The butterfly diaries

A more successful out mission today, with a pharmacy trip (even though the pharmacist being kinda weird by stepping into my personal space despite me wearing a mask. At one point I stepped back and he then stepped forward again back into my space.) I then went to the supermarket and got some groceries. I've decided I actually need to stop buying so many ingredients, which makes me a little sad, but I'm not getting through them. I got three frozen meals for $10. They claim to be entree sizes but they'd be plenty for a meal. I thought I wanted bread but when I tried to put some in my shopping, I had a visceral reaction to it and a real sense of, "if you want bread, make it yourself". And this was in the 'artisan' section of the supermarket, so even there it's clear that something isn't quite suitable for me.

I have a couple more things to do before I can totally stop for the afternoon. Today is better than yesterday. Tomorrow is back to work. Mercifully it is a teacher only day.

I spoke with Puck this morning. He said that Charli is still vaguebooking about their break up. He's had her on mute, and it wore off, but he's put her back on mute. I'm like, why don't you just unfriend her? Block her even. But no. I don't know if it's a good thing or not that he keeps exes around. Hopefully we'll never consider ourselves exes, because I generally don't have much interest in keeping my exes around. I told him that I called his newest love Faye, and he laughed and agreed it was fitting.

Adam and I are growing a lot closer even by text. It's almost like his flatmate was a curse that's been lifted. Apparently the old flatmate's cat came around this morning looking for food and our cat had a huge hissy fit and chased him off. She knows she's got her house back, too.
 
As the weather turns pleasant again, I've been walking more; a little bit further to work before I catch the bus, and some ways home again before catching the bus the rest of the way. I've found my old headphones and so I get music to walk too, and I also have basically no dress code restrictions for work so today it's cargo jeans and a sweatshirt I've cut the bottom band and the neck band off. This is my dream job, basically. Well, close. I'd rather write resources half the time and have about half my class load, but that's not an option.

But the walking... it's not comfortable and I'm definitely in some pain, but I'm enjoying the challenge and finding myself a little more capable each day. This is as much mentally as physically, because I've always struggled with walking as it seems really slow and I'm afraid of being late. Or it's too laborious to be worth it. And I'm finding that I'm not doing it because I want to be skinny - that ship has sailed (although I'm definitely becoming a fan of shape wear lol). I'm doing it because I like the feeling of being able to move more, suppleness I guess. Certainly not flexibility (also sailed). But I reckon I can get a little more flow into my life and that doesn't have to mean poi or hoops or anything. Walking is my flow, and it's enough for me right now. My heart and lungs are protesting every day, but it I don't do anything at all, then they'll never comply.

I want to be fit enough to enjoy some outdoor activities when Puck is here, too. Kayaking is looking doable.
 
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I went to a poly munch last Sunday. It was lovely. The Nomad was there, with his new local partner (also very familiar with poly) and everything was cool as. It was a slightly smaller munch and, except for the reddit refugee waving around a prettified evil stick, the group I was talking with were awesome.

The organiser was suggesting we add a midweek discussion group at his place on an off week wherein people take turns to lead discussions. He asked me if I'd be willing to lead one and what my favourite aspect to discuss in polyamory is (his is de-escalation or modifications rather than break ups). At first, I wasn't sure I had a pet passion, but as I rambled after half a delicious strawberry cocktail, it became obvious that I do.

I've said it before and I will say it again. If you are not ready to make your metamour one of your first calls in case of emergency or death of your shared partner, you are not ready for poly.

One of the people I hadn't met before (but who seemed really cool) brought up the issue of blame within grief. Most obvious scenario...imagine if you will that there is a fairly newly open couple, still navigating the basics we see so much of, but one night, when one of the them is on their way to a date with their newer partner, they instead have a date with a semi-trailer, side on. So, the legal (usually, let's be honest here) partner gets the call, or worse, knock on the door. Meanwhile the newer partner is simply freaking out that this person they are beginning to fall in love with has just vanished off the face of the earth without reason. It's not too much of a stretch to imagine that the established partner (who may have only been testing the poly waters, or tolerating their spouse's exploration) blames the newer person for the death of their spouse, after all, they could have been at home on the couch watching Matlock together had they not opened their marriage in the first place! So, in the depths of their grief, would their anger be directed towards their metamour and thus not be willing to do "the call" (or even text if they can't quite make the call). Or 5 years in, there's an uneasy peace between two metas who have settled on parallel poly because they just don't like each other. Hinge has a heart attack while on a date with one of them...do they immediately call the other (well, after 911 and getting to the hospital, obvs.)?

My possibly unpopular opinion is that you MUST contact your metamour in case of emergency or death, whether you fucking like them or not. Whether you were teething at poly, or long established. Whether you are out to anyone else or not. Be a decent human being ffs.

I guess I need to find a way to make that pill easier to swallow for a discussion group that involves the polycurious and noobs, but honestly, we talk about jealousy, time management, allocation of funds, poly hell, rights of the secondary in dating...but it's woefully neglected to talk about rights of the secondary and the other side of the coin, the responsibilities of the primary in event of serious illness, injury or death. Let's start that conversation.
 
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icesong said:
Please elaborate?
Click to expand...
He made reference to r/polyamory, and he had an evil stick with some plastic beads for a makeshift handle. Not that I've ever bothered having a handle on an evil stick, myself.
 
It's 2 pm Sunday and I'm still in bed. Yesterday was a lot, and today is Ayin's birthday.

Yesterday was great until Nevyn and I got home about 4 and I blew a tyre after getting a bit stuck in a pothole of a drain. I had to get the automobile association out to change it because the nuts were on so tightly that even they were mildly panicky for a moment, but there was success. They took so long to show up, but the space saver got put on the car and I could finally take Nevyn home, better late than never. I can't get a new tyre until at least tomorrow, so I cancelled on my folks today - I was supposed to visit, sigh.

While driving Nevyn home I got an SOS from friends to then drive 20 mins away to pick up a teen and deposit them at A&E for suicidal ideation and threats. The mental health crisis team were already involved, but they were also hours away and teen was home alone because temp guardians (my friends) were out of town for a mini break. Teen is now in respite care, despite guardians coming back (I handed over to them around 11 pm last night.) And they texted this morning to say that they have Covid. Sigh. I hope my immunity is still good enough that I won't get it.

And after all of that, no I didn't sleep in, I woke the same time I always do. And no, I can't nap because I'm not wired that way. And all I want is a goddamn hug and a shoulder to cry on, but today is Nevyn's date day with his wife, so I can't even ask for some extra moral support. Adam's at work. And although I've spoken with Puck, his head is so far up in politics at the moment I don't think I'm going to get any real connection from him until he's here. I really do hope he can leave it behind enough to enjoy the holiday. It's only 6 weeks away.
 
Oh, I am so sorry about your terrible day! Hugs from the opposite side of the world, Evie! Flat tire, teen with issues (I know what that's like), and the threat of Covid! Oh no!
 
It's Saturday and I met my big deadlines yesterday but hit the wall so hard and went home a little early. I have more coming up, but I'll get there. There are two weeks left in the work year and I am soooo excited for the holidays to begin. I have so much planned and today I have been booking accommodation for Puck and for all the different places we need to be up and down the country. I'm really excited for the overnight in Te Wai Ponumu (the South Island) but most of it is in Te Ika a Māui (the North Island). Unlike when I was there in the middle of winter and getting to play house in his rental, it will be the middle of summer and I want to be able to take advantage of the weather. I have booked a mixture of budget and slightly nicer accommodation. I can't afford luxury places and it's not really our style anyway. So, I know where we're going to sleep, and what we will do on a few days, but there will be a lot of wait and see, too.

Before then, I get to spend a week with Adam and a long weekend with Nevyn. Plus some totally alone time, yay!

I'm excited for everything (except my deadlines). I'm definitely living my best life yet.
 
Puck let me know today that he's worried about finances because the rent from his rental hasn't been paid in months. The tenant is supposed to be getting grant money while they retrain and reestablish themselves (it's been over a year now) but the paperwork has not happened in quite some time. I suspect this is his way of letting me know I'll probably have to cover all the expenses for his visit. I have most of the accommodation booked and paid for already, but there's petrol and food and other entertainment. If it's looking dire, I'll cancel the ferry excursion, or perhaps just turn it into a day trip.

I have just over a week of work left until the summer holidays begin. I have a LOT of admin to do in that time, and a day excursion, and some classes (that will mostly be fun stuff). The admin is scary; really, really scary. I have one set of jobs I've simply been procrastinating on. When I buckle down, I can probably break the back of it in an hour, but I'm not 100 percent sure how to do one of the things and it's gotten to the point that it's embarrassing to ask for help. It's not critical, it's just paperwork no-one will ever actually see, but it needs to be done on that absolute off-chance there's ever an audit.

Adam was visiting last night, which means I got basically no sleep since I'm not used to sharing a bed with him, and it's a very small bed for two people. So basically, I'm just waiting out the daylight right now until I can fall asleep. What a waste of a night, sigh. We have already had very long evenings happening for weeks - we were talking about it at work today and are thinking there's less cloud cover this year than we're used to, so the evening light is available much longer from earlier in the year.

I get to see Nevyn for dinner and drinks tomorrow night, I've suggested we go get woodfired pizza at a place we like. I don't know if we'll spend Saturday together, I can't really think beyond tomorrow. I just need to get through this one day at a time.
 
Living the capital city life! Just booked a ticket to go to Handel's Messiah next Saturday night. Alone, because I love taking myself out. The only question is, do I dress up or not? I used to work that venue, I've seen more orchestra performances than most people will in a lifetime, but I was young and didn't always enjoy them. Some I adored. I wish I could remember more of them, but if that now means I have to pay rather than be paid, it's a small price now. It wasn't always, I haven't always had disposable income to go to the Symphony Orchestra. Even in my time blogging here originally, life was so much different. So much.

I was talking to Puck earlier today and I have a new plan for one day. I'm going to abandon him to the city for a day. Boot him out at breakfast and not expect him home until the streetlights come on. I'll give him the bus/train card. He can sort it out from there. He'll love it. Just like I loved my day in Columbus alone.

I have one week of work to go and I'm super excited for it. I have some horrid admin to do but other than that, it will be good. Note to self, buy lots of chocolate prizes and play a lot of games lol.
 
Work is as done as it's going to be right now. I spent Friday/Saturday with Nevyn but we got the word that his wife has come down with Covid. He hasn't, so maybe his latest vaccination has staved it off, or he's just a few days behind, who knows, but now I wait. Except since I was eligible, I went at got a booster yesterday. It's a different one to what I've had before and I'm having quite different side effects. My arm is sore, my lymph nodes even sorer and I'm generally grumpy because of it. And I still might have actual covid, who knows. But if I do, at least it will be all over by new year's. I've just downed a bunch of paracetamol and brufen to hopefully take the edge off how I'm feeling right now.

Puck was in a bit of a funny mood when I spoke with him earlier, but eventually he told me why, and then relaxed into the conversation more. I've been more nervous than ever lately that our season's run it's course. We're changing, and it's yet to see if we continue to grow together, or we end up growing apart. Either way, I hope it's a good time when he's here. I've had to tell myself a couple of times to drop any more expectations than having a couple of weeks of fun. It will be nothing like when I was there since there will be a LOT more sightseeing since we don't have just one place to stay, and I love showing off my country and city. And it's summer. And it's going to be a bit of a culture shock/experience for him. Hell, even I noticed some things after coming back from 10 days over there.

But before that, all going well and I don't develop Covid, I have some time to spend with Adam and then my parents. I get some time purely to myself between Christmas and New Year's and I'll be fit as a fiddle by then :)
 
I didn't get Covid but I did have a pretty miserable time post vaccine. The side effects lasted about 4 days and I delayed visiting Adam. But I got here and we had a pretty good time. I also got some stuff done around the house, mostly painting.

I'm going home today, I have to because it's my mother's birthday.

Puck's out of State for Christmas, Nevyn's in the South Island for Christmas, and I'm really looking forward to the 26th where I can have the whole day to myself.

I have a lunch date with Hermit on the 28th, and a crazy full schedule from New Year's onwards. I'm really worried I'm not going to cope, tbh.
 
Well, my 26th consisted of clothes shopping. I was a bit irresponsible, but I'll live with it. Unfortunately, one of the pairs of jeans I got was mislabeled and they are smaller than the ones of the same label size that I tried on. So I guess I have goal pants now, sigh.

It's windy AF today, like the wind woke me up in the middle of the night and mercifully I got back to sleep and then slept in.

I've been doom scrolling ever since. But I'm up, showered and just putting together a to do list for today that doesn't involve going out into this terrible wind. Hmm, I wonder if there's an iron in the cupboard under the stairs, I think I may have seen one in this past year lol. I have my sewing machine now so I can learn/relearn some skills in 2025.

Update: I got out the sewing machine and did a bunch of mending that's been piling up. I still need further supplies if I'm going to be able to fix a couple of things, but that's another day's problem. I also went to our Walmart equivalent and bought myself an iron and went through and flattened some patchwork fabrics I picked up at a craft fair a few years ago; someone's abandoned project that I will have to decide what to do with. But it was $5 for easily $50 worth of fabric in some earth tones I quite like. I've been listening to Ayin's playlist while hanging out in my room, which I've also cleaned quite thoroughly today. God I miss him.

I'm supposed to be having lunch with Hermit tomorrow, but he hasn't gotten back to me to firm up plans yet. Grr. I could quite happily have tomorrow to myself again, but he was sooky fussing about catching up so I told him to pick a day. He picked tomorrow, but didn't commit to a time or place. I messaged him today to ask and he said he was having someone over for lunch and in the middle of prep. <eyeroll>.

I'm looking forward to Nevyn getting back to our city, although once we start doing things (leaving the city, lol), I'm basically not going to be stopping. I have the fullest January ever, most of it with Puck, which I'm beyond excited about.
 
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It's the 31st and the weather is rubbish. I'm a bit sad about that, I'd rather be swimming at the beach than cooped up inside, but it's also my bff's birthday so we had a nice long call. Puck is also just home so I got to have a 5 minute chat with him before their dinner arrived, and he's said he'll reach out sometime after dinner, too.

I don't do new years resolutions, but I have done a word of the year for most years for over a decade. I didn't write down last year's, not that I remember it, because I had so much change happening anyway with my new city and new job. But this year, I have chosen "release" - as in release all those things that aren't serving me anymore. Make way for the things that will make my life better.

This next month is nuts. I'm going to be soooo busy. I'm honestly a little nervous about that, but I'm also sure that there will be a day or two in there where Puck and I will not do very much at all. Bring on those days lol.

But first, a weekend away with Nevyn (4 hours driving each way), a day back home to launder and pack, a visit to Ayin (headstone) and possible catch up with his dad, Nova's wedding, and then I need to go pick up Puck. Our first day together is a day of rest, so there's that. Our second, third and fourth days are driving, but only around 2-3 hours per day. That should be okay.

I'm so excited!
 
It's my day back home to launder and pack; both are largely done so I'm just relaxing. The weather is still abysmal and it's actually cold now, too. I'm really hoping for some summer when Puck's here, although we've finally had time to talk today and I'm feeling more confident about his visit even with the shit weather. I also have a few 'grand plans' of things I really, really want him to experience while he's here - places to go, things to see, etc. But I'm also aiming to be as flexible as possible on the non-travel days.

But even before then, it's Nova's wedding! I'm excited for her and her fiancee, and I'm really excited to get to spend so much more time hanging out with them again this year. They live really close to my folks, so I can go there and decompress lol.

I had a lovely weekend away with Nevyn. The airbnb was gorgeous including a spa bath next to a picture window and watching the sunset from there was glorious. We also did a little sight seeing, and I got to introduce him and Adam. I'll be back there in a week introducing Puck! That will likely be a longer visit, too, as we'll be staying fairly nearby rather than driving all the way back to hometown.

Right, I better do something before I turn into a popsicle (I know, it's summer, but it's been snowing not far away.)
 
Puck's here!
 
And I've just taken Puck back to the airport. What an amazing fortnight.
 
So somewhere this summer I got strep throat, it could have been at Nova's wedding (another guest had it and her new wife came down with it after the wedding, too) or Puck could have brought it with him since he's had chronic something-or-other for months. Either way, he didn't get antibiotics when I did and so it's very likely that he reinfected me after I got through the first course. He's on antibiotics too now he's home, but I'm the one with very acute symptoms - the first time I was absolutely miserable with the pain since the doc didn't give me anything for that. I've got a milder inflammation this time, but I'm still staying home tomorrow. Work started yesterday and I have been in, masked, for two days, but I'm going to give myself a break tomorrow. I can update a bunch of PowerPoints from the comfort of my room.

The time Puck and I had was truly remarkable. The weather was spectacular (after a rotten couple of weeks beforehand) and although we had to navigate illness, we got along so very easily. We went on scenic walks, explored a wildlife preserve (with kiwi), visited Stonehenge Aotearoa, went kayaking in the Marlborough Sounds, watched some grass roots kapa haka, went out drinking in my favourite area of my city, introduced him to Adam, Nevyn, my parents, and my birthmother (each on different days), went to a black sand beach, and more besides, and generally had a really fantastic holiday. It was so very different to when I was there in the middle of his winter and we just happily stayed cozied up at his rental between tenants. It was wonderful to discover that we can thrive together when traveling as well as when staying put.

As I write, it hasn't even been a week since he's been gone, and yet we echoed each other when texting earlier tonight that it already feels like weeks have passed. He's given the gifts we bought for people back home - Renee, Selene and Iris (he and Iris are fast friends and she's basically a platonic metamour as far as I'm concerned.) Iris and Selene both recognised how deeply he was positively affected by this visit. Once we're through with these antibiotics and back into our own routines, we'll make a plan for what comes next. It certainly won't be another two years.
 
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I'm so happy for you, Evie. :)
 
One thing Puck and I learned really deeply was how extraordinary the ordinary could be. We also learned to trust the universe's timing because what seemed like a lost day at one point became the perfect day at another. Everything unfolded exactly as it should have.
 
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