LaminarFlow
Active member
I disagree with this article, as the kind of limerence highly depends on your attachment style.
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The butterfly diaries
- Thread starter Evie
- Start date
Ooo, do you have a link about connecting limerence with attachment style? I'd like to read another perspective. I've certainly had a limerence based "love" as a young person, but that deepened into a meaningful friendship, then eventually a relationship wherein he fell in love with me, too, and then we discovered we weren't long term compatible.
LaminarFlow
Active member
Can't really find a good article that will explain what I mean, maybe this one comes close: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/limerence
It somewhat states that limerance as euphoria can be seen as positive, and the ones that go into despair are negative.
I had some good limerance going on with a colleague a few years back, and I have secure attachment style. Everytime I saw them on a video call I was just so smitten with their mind. Mind you, they were 8000 miles away so I was pretty safe.
As an experience on the opposite spectrum, with my intense NRE rush right now, I don't think it's fair to call that love. When I try to abstract from the high, the peak in sex drive, the urges to text him (or spend my time procrastinating over here and viewing kinky content?) I think what I feel towards the rigger personally is some attraction, friendship, excitement about having stuff in common, and deep appreciation. Love tastes slightly different. There's way more care about the well-being of the loved one than I currently have.
So maybe you can have a rush of attraction, as well as a more heartfelt love at the beginning of a relationship?
LaminarFlow
Active member
To me, it depends highly on the nature and approach of a situation, whether it is controlled or uncontrolled.
As an example: a colleague that I admired, but had no interest in dating. We both have a passionate love of the field. My limerence towards them was one the greatest joys, even though I only met them a handful of times during work visits.
Dr Tennov states that limerence is not a mental illness and can be the greatest happiness, depending on who you ask. I think there is not enough data with people who are experiencing limerence with secure attachment styles, as it mostly happens with anxious attachment styles and therefore has a negative connotation.
What is love? Is it less love, because I love their mind and passion for the field?
What about the Japanese fella Akihiko Kondo, who is a "fictosexual" and married Hatsune Miku? There wouldn't be NRE, because it is not love between two people, but between a man and a hologram.
As an example: a colleague that I admired, but had no interest in dating. We both have a passionate love of the field. My limerence towards them was one the greatest joys, even though I only met them a handful of times during work visits.
Dr Tennov states that limerence is not a mental illness and can be the greatest happiness, depending on who you ask. I think there is not enough data with people who are experiencing limerence with secure attachment styles, as it mostly happens with anxious attachment styles and therefore has a negative connotation.
What is love? Is it less love, because I love their mind and passion for the field?
What about the Japanese fella Akihiko Kondo, who is a "fictosexual" and married Hatsune Miku? There wouldn't be NRE, because it is not love between two people, but between a man and a hologram.
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Um, I think that is a matter of how you define the word "limerance." The article Evie shared originally isn't speaking about all love/NRE. I think NRE can be completely fine in some situations, for some people. But the article is defining limerance as an unhealthy case. We must pay attention to whether we are using these words synonymously or not. 
Limerence, by definition, is obsession and objectification of another person. It is not reciprocated.
Edit: a work crush is not necessarily limerence, not all crushes are limerent in nature.
NRE by definition, involves a relationship, which is reciprocal.
Edit: A hologram is not sentient and has no reciprocal feelings. The example is an absurdity and hence a straw man.
Edit: a work crush is not necessarily limerence, not all crushes are limerent in nature.
NRE by definition, involves a relationship, which is reciprocal.
Edit: A hologram is not sentient and has no reciprocal feelings. The example is an absurdity and hence a straw man.
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Back to my life...
Puck's been putting his CV and résumé out this past few days. I'm really hopeful he could be here soon!
He and Renée have been telling people that they're moving and apparently only one person has been put out. All my metas are supportive, they get it, they saw him when he got back from here.
This past couple of months have been a lot. Work has been full on for me and I'm looking forward to the break coming up. I'm going to visit Adam and work on the house. We may go away for Easter, we're just waiting to find out about free accommodation.
Adam isn't finding the job hunt particularly easy, so I'm thinking up ways to bring in extra passive income next year. We may take in a lodger. I'm back to wanting to buy a house, which I could just do at the right price. Well, so long as we get enough of a deposit from the sale of the current house. I really don't have much of a feel for the market right now, even looking through a few listings. Interest rates are set to come down in a few weeks so fingers crossed the market starts moving again.
Nevyn was away last weekend so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday, and I miss him. Maybe, perhaps, we can get some time together this weekend as well as our Wednesday night dinner. We'll see. He's met someone new and I'm encouraging it because I'm going to be very busy later this year with Puck and Adam moving here. Nevyn totally understands and we've laid enough foundation to be able to transition to more a more casual relationship. He's super supportive of what I want, and I've told him what my biggest dreams are.
It's birthday season soon. In an old job there were five of us on consecutive days. I'm only friends with one of those people now (I called him Siege on my old blog) but we tend to make a point of having a good chat at this time of year. I'm looking forward to that.
I'm also doing relay for life this year, which is coming up this weekend. I'm going with a work group, but really I'm going to remember Ayin, not that I ever forget him of course, but it will be a day to be especially close to those memories. Fuck cancer and how vulnerable the treatment left him. Did I ever mention he actually died of sepsis? Apparently he was nearly in remission. I always thought, even if he never made it to remission that there would be a time where he'd be healthy enough for us to have a few adventures. But then he died so suddenly.
I visited my folks briefly last Sunday but I had a lot of work to do before Monday so I just took my dad out shopping. It's like he was his old self completely - fast paced, protective, clear mind, a little impatient lol. I'm going to see if I can take him out a bit more, just him and I, so he can engage at that more natural speed. I think it might do him good.
I'm very slowly losing weight. It should pick up when Puck gets here and we start going to the gym daily. Good way to see each other even if it's not our overnights lol.
My body is doing funky perimenopause stuff. I got a scare last Saturday because suddenly I had my teenage level period back, like full on menorrhagia. Because that hasn't happened in a very long time, I was concerned something had gone awry (and it wasn't just menstruation) so I went to the doc. I ended up with a script for a clotting aid but no concerns about cysts or anything else popping. I'm trying to get a new PCP where I live so once that's secured I'll go talk to them about getting a proper check up to be certain there isn't anything super bad going on in there.
Well, that's about it for now. Goodnight moon.
Puck's been putting his CV and résumé out this past few days. I'm really hopeful he could be here soon!
He and Renée have been telling people that they're moving and apparently only one person has been put out. All my metas are supportive, they get it, they saw him when he got back from here.
This past couple of months have been a lot. Work has been full on for me and I'm looking forward to the break coming up. I'm going to visit Adam and work on the house. We may go away for Easter, we're just waiting to find out about free accommodation.
Adam isn't finding the job hunt particularly easy, so I'm thinking up ways to bring in extra passive income next year. We may take in a lodger. I'm back to wanting to buy a house, which I could just do at the right price. Well, so long as we get enough of a deposit from the sale of the current house. I really don't have much of a feel for the market right now, even looking through a few listings. Interest rates are set to come down in a few weeks so fingers crossed the market starts moving again.
Nevyn was away last weekend so I haven't seen him since last Wednesday, and I miss him. Maybe, perhaps, we can get some time together this weekend as well as our Wednesday night dinner. We'll see. He's met someone new and I'm encouraging it because I'm going to be very busy later this year with Puck and Adam moving here. Nevyn totally understands and we've laid enough foundation to be able to transition to more a more casual relationship. He's super supportive of what I want, and I've told him what my biggest dreams are.
It's birthday season soon. In an old job there were five of us on consecutive days. I'm only friends with one of those people now (I called him Siege on my old blog) but we tend to make a point of having a good chat at this time of year. I'm looking forward to that.
I'm also doing relay for life this year, which is coming up this weekend. I'm going with a work group, but really I'm going to remember Ayin, not that I ever forget him of course, but it will be a day to be especially close to those memories. Fuck cancer and how vulnerable the treatment left him. Did I ever mention he actually died of sepsis? Apparently he was nearly in remission. I always thought, even if he never made it to remission that there would be a time where he'd be healthy enough for us to have a few adventures. But then he died so suddenly.
I visited my folks briefly last Sunday but I had a lot of work to do before Monday so I just took my dad out shopping. It's like he was his old self completely - fast paced, protective, clear mind, a little impatient lol. I'm going to see if I can take him out a bit more, just him and I, so he can engage at that more natural speed. I think it might do him good.
I'm very slowly losing weight. It should pick up when Puck gets here and we start going to the gym daily. Good way to see each other even if it's not our overnights lol.
My body is doing funky perimenopause stuff. I got a scare last Saturday because suddenly I had my teenage level period back, like full on menorrhagia. Because that hasn't happened in a very long time, I was concerned something had gone awry (and it wasn't just menstruation) so I went to the doc. I ended up with a script for a clotting aid but no concerns about cysts or anything else popping. I'm trying to get a new PCP where I live so once that's secured I'll go talk to them about getting a proper check up to be certain there isn't anything super bad going on in there.
Well, that's about it for now. Goodnight moon.
I'm on two weeks holidays and consequently visiting Adam at our house. I'm going to use the time to do some R&M around here, and more packing. Probably some listing of stuff on FB Marketplace, too. We have been really good at accumulating stuff (furniture especially) and we have more than even fits here, let alone will fit in a two bedroom place we want to get when he moves down to live with me again.
I'm starting with the easy stuff today - sorting and packing books. I'll also do a quick trip to the hardware store for some outdoor cleaner (the spray on and leave stuff).
Adam isn't working today, so shortly I'll go hang out with him and make more plans, but I've also just been talking with Puck because that's what we do on (my) Sunday mornings and before he goes to see Selene for their weekly date. She's really supportive of him moving here, btw.
As much as I am also looking around the garden thinking "dear god what a mess" - I don't have the strength to do all the gardening I want to happen so I'm going to end up paying a landscaper to nigh on nuke the place. There's definitely some pruning I can do, but I can't pull up the bigger stuff that's annoying me.
Okay, time to get on with stuff!
I'm starting with the easy stuff today - sorting and packing books. I'll also do a quick trip to the hardware store for some outdoor cleaner (the spray on and leave stuff).
Adam isn't working today, so shortly I'll go hang out with him and make more plans, but I've also just been talking with Puck because that's what we do on (my) Sunday mornings and before he goes to see Selene for their weekly date. She's really supportive of him moving here, btw.
As much as I am also looking around the garden thinking "dear god what a mess" - I don't have the strength to do all the gardening I want to happen so I'm going to end up paying a landscaper to nigh on nuke the place. There's definitely some pruning I can do, but I can't pull up the bigger stuff that's annoying me.
Okay, time to get on with stuff!
Well, today turned out remarkably productive and I have a plan for tomorrow. It's going to rain on Wednesday so there goes the outdoor painting, but I'll do a bunch of preparation tomorrow so I can get at it the next fine day, maybe even Tuesday if I go fast enough.
If I can keep up this energy level, I will get so much done, but I know there could be a crash when I'm home alone. Puck understands this so I'll lean on him for small goals. Sanding, call. Painting, call. He gets it, and he's totally behind me in making this place as appealing as possible for a potential buyer who wants to do some work but not absolutely everything.
My major goals this week are the kitchen and the deck. We started some kitchen stuff today, as well as packing up a lot for books. So I get to clean, paint and clean some more. As well as box stuff that isn't really used much. And put some furniture on marketplace. That's the scary one, I'm totally unfamiliar with that process, but I'll work it out.
I'm actually liking being here, the place does have a good vibe, and I feel like I'm adding to that vibe.
If I can keep up this energy level, I will get so much done, but I know there could be a crash when I'm home alone. Puck understands this so I'll lean on him for small goals. Sanding, call. Painting, call. He gets it, and he's totally behind me in making this place as appealing as possible for a potential buyer who wants to do some work but not absolutely everything.
My major goals this week are the kitchen and the deck. We started some kitchen stuff today, as well as packing up a lot for books. So I get to clean, paint and clean some more. As well as box stuff that isn't really used much. And put some furniture on marketplace. That's the scary one, I'm totally unfamiliar with that process, but I'll work it out.
I'm actually liking being here, the place does have a good vibe, and I feel like I'm adding to that vibe.
I've had four days of working on the house by myself and given some weather issues, I don't feel I've done too badly. It's supposed to fine up again on Saturday so I can do a second coat on the outside deck then. I've spruced up the fireplace and prepped walls for spot touch ups. Tomorrow is laundry, more painting, tiling, packing kitchenware, listing a few things on FB marketplace, and if he doesn't remember it's Good Friday, the chimney sweep should come in the morning. I don't give a toss about it being Good Friday, except I can't buy any supplies for a day.
Renée was in a car accident today (not her fault in the slightest) so her and Puck spent a long day in hospital and she should be okay in a week or so. But as an independent contractor, she will lose income for a time. They are thinking about engaging an ambulance chaser to try and get some compensation for lost earnings. Damn, America, your culture is weird.
Adam is on three weeks holiday as of 9 pm tonight, yay! So we'll tackle more things together over the next few days. Honestly, the garage is his domain and it's a nightmare. But he's working on it. We may have to get a storage unit sooner rather than later.
Nevyn was supposed to call today but I got a rather cryptic message this evening saying his day was terrible and he'll try again tomorrow.
This year is both awesome and frustrating. I just want everyone in Wellington. Everyone being Puck, Adam, and eventually Renée (but she won't get here until Puck has residency). There's not been a job offer for Puck yet, which sucks. But he's doing another certificate that would make him an even better candidate. I'm not sure if Adam is applying for jobs right now but we have a back up plan that should be executable. He will need the proper licence, but right now we're just getting him a new passport so he can get a replacement driver's licence and get his key online profiles verified. I know I shouldn't get frustrated with him about this stuff, but all this should have been done a very long time ago. I shouldn't have to be here to make it happen.
Renée was in a car accident today (not her fault in the slightest) so her and Puck spent a long day in hospital and she should be okay in a week or so. But as an independent contractor, she will lose income for a time. They are thinking about engaging an ambulance chaser to try and get some compensation for lost earnings. Damn, America, your culture is weird.
Adam is on three weeks holiday as of 9 pm tonight, yay! So we'll tackle more things together over the next few days. Honestly, the garage is his domain and it's a nightmare. But he's working on it. We may have to get a storage unit sooner rather than later.
Nevyn was supposed to call today but I got a rather cryptic message this evening saying his day was terrible and he'll try again tomorrow.
This year is both awesome and frustrating. I just want everyone in Wellington. Everyone being Puck, Adam, and eventually Renée (but she won't get here until Puck has residency). There's not been a job offer for Puck yet, which sucks. But he's doing another certificate that would make him an even better candidate. I'm not sure if Adam is applying for jobs right now but we have a back up plan that should be executable. He will need the proper licence, but right now we're just getting him a new passport so he can get a replacement driver's licence and get his key online profiles verified. I know I shouldn't get frustrated with him about this stuff, but all this should have been done a very long time ago. I shouldn't have to be here to make it happen.
The repairs and maintenance on the house is still plodding along. I could be doing a hell of a lot more, but I just don't have the energy. I got totally fed up with the grouting today, what a horrible job that is. Adam finished it off. Tomorrow, more shopping, including packing cardboard to wrap the art. The next job I'm going to hate is washing the inside walls. Tuesday, when everything is back working, we're going to contact a company about a storage unit, there is just not enough room in the garage for all the things Adam wants to keep. I've had no bites on the couch I listed on Marketplace, and I'm honestly not holding out a lot of hope for the entertainment cabinet. But I'm not around next weekend for us to run a garage sale so it may just have to go in the garage until I'm back. Or it can go to the op shop.
Also, I'm finally going to get to have a longer chat with Puck tomorrow. He's been pretty busy this weekend with the campground, although it's become obvious to him that he's not invested in the festival season this year. He wants to get a job here ASAP. He may have to be here for interviews because apparently a while bunch of companies have that as criteria. I guess they don't want to give the impression that they will pay for relocation costs.
Nevyn has let me know that he's going to be spending this week largely hanging out with his wife. Her bf left the country and she's not sure he's coming back. Good riddance honestly, he sounded like a nightmare, but she'll still be grieving. And concerned that she'll be lonely at home when Nevyn is out with me or whomever.
Adam's currently making dinner and I'm relaxing on the sofa drinking cocktails. I cooked the other night, so this is fair lol.
Also, I'm finally going to get to have a longer chat with Puck tomorrow. He's been pretty busy this weekend with the campground, although it's become obvious to him that he's not invested in the festival season this year. He wants to get a job here ASAP. He may have to be here for interviews because apparently a while bunch of companies have that as criteria. I guess they don't want to give the impression that they will pay for relocation costs.
Nevyn has let me know that he's going to be spending this week largely hanging out with his wife. Her bf left the country and she's not sure he's coming back. Good riddance honestly, he sounded like a nightmare, but she'll still be grieving. And concerned that she'll be lonely at home when Nevyn is out with me or whomever.
Adam's currently making dinner and I'm relaxing on the sofa drinking cocktails. I cooked the other night, so this is fair lol.
Adam brought me home yesterday and we enjoyed a night out with a couple of drinks and a spectacular pizza and dessert. Quite a bit got done with the house, and some decisions were made about what else to do, and importantly, what to not do. I'll be following them up next week as I haven't heard back from all the businesses I've contacted. Ambitiously, we're thinking about going to market mid July. That's winter here, so a little risky, but open homes at the right time of day can show off how good the sunshine is. Adam and I enjoyed each others company, and although there were definitely moments of tension, I think we'll learn to live together again.
With this massive change of economic climate, Puck hasn't had the success he hoped with a job hunt, but he's got a plan. He's doing some up skilling and will come back on his tourist entry to do in-person interviews. He's also having to go through an eviction process with his tenant as she wasn't able to catch up on rent nor do the graceful thing and leave when she was given a month's notice. He's made so very much progress in just three months, and I'm trusting the universe that the timing will actually be just right when he gets here, just like it was during our summer holiday.
Nevyn's also had a week of and been spending it largely with his wife. I'll catch up with him next week. We spoke on a video call once, but it's not our forte so it was kind of irritating having to ask him to repeat himself as I couldn't understand quite a bit of what he was saying. Honestly though, his texting can be just as bad lol.
I've been really slack about being in touch with anyone else. Honestly, I'm kinda just wanting to settle down with Adam and Puck when they are both here (two different houses, although not even sure what Puck's accommodation will be right now, he may well be in shared housing until he secures a local job). Then Renée will arrive and they will find a house and Puck and I will have to get creative. We are enjoying speculating on what the future may look like though.
With this massive change of economic climate, Puck hasn't had the success he hoped with a job hunt, but he's got a plan. He's doing some up skilling and will come back on his tourist entry to do in-person interviews. He's also having to go through an eviction process with his tenant as she wasn't able to catch up on rent nor do the graceful thing and leave when she was given a month's notice. He's made so very much progress in just three months, and I'm trusting the universe that the timing will actually be just right when he gets here, just like it was during our summer holiday.
Nevyn's also had a week of and been spending it largely with his wife. I'll catch up with him next week. We spoke on a video call once, but it's not our forte so it was kind of irritating having to ask him to repeat himself as I couldn't understand quite a bit of what he was saying. Honestly though, his texting can be just as bad lol.
I've been really slack about being in touch with anyone else. Honestly, I'm kinda just wanting to settle down with Adam and Puck when they are both here (two different houses, although not even sure what Puck's accommodation will be right now, he may well be in shared housing until he secures a local job). Then Renée will arrive and they will find a house and Puck and I will have to get creative. We are enjoying speculating on what the future may look like though.
My parents have come through for me yet again, lending me money to do up the house for sale. Adam got a quote to get it painted (outside), and we can let the painter know he can start as soon as he is able!
I'm back to work tomorrow. I'll be glad for the routine quite honestly as I've found the last couple of days I've been very unmotivated to do anything. Unfortunately, that means I've largely bribed myself to leave the house with extra spending. I finally got some sneakers so I can get back into walking further than the first bus stop - I got quite slack last month. On top of that, I've been eating and drinking far too much over the last couple of weeks and my body is feeling all of it.
But regardless, I'm excited for the future, I'm confident that I can cope with work this coming quarter, I'm fucking delighted that the house is going to look pretty for sale at a good price for the paint job and I don't have to jump through hoops with the bank to fund it. I'm nervous that Adam especially may not secure full time employment in my city, especially in the 4th quarter when I'm expecting he'll be arriving, but I have a frugal budget already mapped out. With any luck, Puck will arrive at least a month before Adam so we'll get to spend some time together without juggling schedules. I met Puck online in February 2019. Our first travel plans got thwarted by the pandemic, the second by budget constraints. We've spent just over 3 weeks together in person and we thrive. It's our turn to have some serious time together. It's wonderful to have both established relationship energy and new relationship energy at the same time. Our fairly unusual circumstances have created that, and although there are some things that we wish could have happened differently, we're going to make the most of the years ahead of us.
I'm back to work tomorrow. I'll be glad for the routine quite honestly as I've found the last couple of days I've been very unmotivated to do anything. Unfortunately, that means I've largely bribed myself to leave the house with extra spending. I finally got some sneakers so I can get back into walking further than the first bus stop - I got quite slack last month. On top of that, I've been eating and drinking far too much over the last couple of weeks and my body is feeling all of it.
But regardless, I'm excited for the future, I'm confident that I can cope with work this coming quarter, I'm fucking delighted that the house is going to look pretty for sale at a good price for the paint job and I don't have to jump through hoops with the bank to fund it. I'm nervous that Adam especially may not secure full time employment in my city, especially in the 4th quarter when I'm expecting he'll be arriving, but I have a frugal budget already mapped out. With any luck, Puck will arrive at least a month before Adam so we'll get to spend some time together without juggling schedules. I met Puck online in February 2019. Our first travel plans got thwarted by the pandemic, the second by budget constraints. We've spent just over 3 weeks together in person and we thrive. It's our turn to have some serious time together. It's wonderful to have both established relationship energy and new relationship energy at the same time. Our fairly unusual circumstances have created that, and although there are some things that we wish could have happened differently, we're going to make the most of the years ahead of us.
Work is straight into being full on and I'm already not sleeping enough and clenching my jaw (I catch myself at it and get mildly surprised). But despite that, I feel good at my job by now and I'm extremely grateful for my workplace, it could be so much worse. It has been so much worse.
It's been almost a year since Ayin died. My grief has subsided as I have let go of what I imagined the future would hold. I'm so grateful I knew him and I hope he's one of the "five people I meet in heaven" or in some way my consciousness gets to interact with his again when it's my turn to pass on from this experience.
But in the meantime, I'm looking forward to getting more time with both Adam and Puck. Puck is aiming to be here late July and Adam will probably be mid-late September. That's the plan, anyway. Honestly, July can't come fast enough. 6 years is a long enough LDR.
It's been almost a year since Ayin died. My grief has subsided as I have let go of what I imagined the future would hold. I'm so grateful I knew him and I hope he's one of the "five people I meet in heaven" or in some way my consciousness gets to interact with his again when it's my turn to pass on from this experience.
But in the meantime, I'm looking forward to getting more time with both Adam and Puck. Puck is aiming to be here late July and Adam will probably be mid-late September. That's the plan, anyway. Honestly, July can't come fast enough. 6 years is a long enough LDR.
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Congrats on getting so much work on the house done.
I'm glad your parents chipped in to get it painted.
One of the best things about moving is the opportunity to get rid of clutter, books, too much furniture, etc.
I'm excited about your new era with Puck, Adam and Nevyn. I hope it all comes together well, and hopefully quickly. You're a really supportive partner.
I'm glad your parents chipped in to get it painted.
One of the best things about moving is the opportunity to get rid of clutter, books, too much furniture, etc.
I'm excited about your new era with Puck, Adam and Nevyn. I hope it all comes together well, and hopefully quickly. You're a really supportive partner.