And I thought I was just being selfish....

M

morethan2

New member
Nice to meet everyone!

Me and my fiance have been together for 9 years. We have had our fair share of threesomes during our early years in college. However, after a while, we stopped and I never really explored my sexuality beyond that. In 2011, I met a girl who I've grown close to over the years. I was never in a relationship with a woman until about 2 months ago when our feelings for each other began to blossom into more than just a friendship. She is married and has two children. Her husband knew of her attraction to women and was okay with her having casual sex with women. But now that she has fallen in love with me, the lines have become blurry for him :( My fiance now knows of my sexual orientation and has agreed to let me continue both relationships. Neither my fiance nor her husband is involved in our relationship or with anyone else.

Upon telling him of my feelings, wants and needs, he feels as though he is not enough for me or that I don't love him anymore, which couldn't be further from the truth. I love them both, but in different ways and for different reasons. I want to make him AND her comfortable with this new stage in our lives and maybe even suggest that he explore the idea of polyamory on his side as well. I've come here to learn more about the poly community and hopefully be able to move forward without anyone, especially my fiance or her husband, feeling unwanted by either one of us. I thought I was being the most selfish person in the world until I started to see that there are people out here just like me.

I'm so thankful to have found this forum and look forward to reading everyone's life experiences! Thanks for reading :)
 
Just to clarify: You are two women in formerly mono hetero relationships who are now forming a lesbian relationship separate from the men in your lives? Just trying to understand who is who.

This kind of relationship (ever increasing romantic intimacy between seemingly straight women) goes way back and appears again and again throughout recorded history. Of course, today women can be more visible than ever before with their relationship, but you should know that you're in good company. History and literature are chock-o-block full of this kind of romantic/sexual friendship between two women who lead otherwise hetero lives. It's kind of still an underground idea since it is challenging to both the straight world and the gay community. Certain individuals within those worlds will be accepting of course, but as cultures, neither straight nor gay culture really has a way to fully embrace this way of life as they do with relationships that are purely one way or the other. The configuration you're describing is much more common and embraced in the poly world and thankfully, there are ever more avenues for social expression and acceptance of women who love each other this way.

Welcome :)
 
HappilyFallenAngel: Yes that is absolutely correct. Both of our significant others are monogamous and me and her have started a relationship with each other. I should have made that a little clearer. Sorry!

Your history lesson definitely gave me some reassurance during this transition. So thank you for that!! :D

Bassman: Hello and thank you!
 
Greetings morethan2,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You might like our Life stories and blogs board; check it out.

Sounds like you have wonderful relationships in your life; I hope you can help the men in the equation feel adequate and loved. Who knows, maybe we can think of some ideas of how you could do that. Right now I just know repeated reassurances tend to help over time, but maybe I'll think of other stuff as well.

Glad that you're with us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
kdt26417 said:
Sounds like you have wonderful relationships in your life; I hope you can help the men in the equation feel adequate and loved. Who knows, maybe we can think of some ideas of how you could do that. Right now I just know repeated reassurances tend to help over time, but maybe I'll think of other stuff as well.
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That would be amazing!! I'm really struggling on how to make my fiance feel better about all of this. Sometimes he's okay with it and then other times he has his moments where he's upset. I just don't want to make my girlfriend feel too neglected while I'm spending a little more time trying to reassure my fiance. I want all parties happy
 
Sometime when he's feeling okay with it, maybe you could sit down with your fiancé and ask for his thoughts and feelings about your polyamorous arrangement? or, if you've already done so, what did he have to say?
 
kdt26417 said:
Sometime when he's feeling okay with it, maybe you could sit down with your fiancé and ask for his thoughts and feelings about your polyamorous arrangement? or, if you've already done so, what did he have to say?
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Its all so new to him, so I don't think he understands that my love for him has not changed or lessened. When I initially told him, he felt like I didn't want him, which is not true at all. He says he's up for the idea, but sometimes makes comments that insinuate he's struggling with it all or just says its "too soon" for certain things.

I've tried explaining the concept of polyamory. I even opened up the idea of him exploring it himself. He said no but I think maybe he just needs time. In no way do I want to force that on him, but from listening to how he views things over the years, I don't think he's as opposed to it as he believes he is. I genuinely believe that more than one person can provide you with different forms of happiness and love. I'm just trying to make sure I can get him to come to terms with that without him being scared away, feeling devalued, or thinking he's unloved. I just couldn't see life without him. And now also, without her...
 
Hello and welcome!

I'm curious about how much research he's been doing into polyamory himself. Has he been seeking out information? It sounds like he (and the two of you) need some time to figure out if this is what he wants. Does he want to date other people himself? Does he want to just support you in dating others? Would he prefer a monogamous partner? Definitely some soul searching that will take some time. And keep in mind that change is not linear - there are going to be days when he seems completely fine with you having a girlfriend and other days when things are a real struggle for him.

I think the most important thing you can do in all of this is really LISTEN to him right now. Be willing to practice some non-defensive listening, show him a lot of empathy, and try to create a safe place for him to share what's hard for him. It sounds like he's insinuating that he's struggling - ok, so what is hard about it? Can he describe it in more detail? What are the underlying fears? Can you get a better understanding of it and truly put yourself in his shoes before the two of you work on problem solving? It sounds like you two could be talking a lot more about all this.

I wonder if doing some reading would be helpful. "More Than Two" is a great book. Here's a few articles that came to my mind as well when I was reading your post:

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/poly/Labriola/jealousy.html - especially the part about core beliefs
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell - some things he might be experiencing/concerned about

Just a couple of random thoughts! :)
 
What reflections said. Time, study, and really listening to each other, as well as continuing reassurance that you love him, with specific things you love and appreciate about him.

Two important links will lead you to dual books/websites:

  • "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.
  • "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.
And, another book that may help is, "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. It puts human sexuality and monogamy/nonmonogamy into (a new) perspective.

You should continue to talk with him from time to time, about how he's feeling about poly and how you can help. Maybe establish a day and time to meet once a week? Doesn't mean you can't talk at other times, just gives you a definite window in which you can plan on really digging into things.

It's very important what he has to say, so try to take detailed notes of it if you can, and if you can then relay that to us on the forum here, we can think of more ideas to help him, maybe even think of things you can say to him that might help.

The bad news is, you must allow him the freedom to reject polyamory if that's what he wants to do. Not all people can or even should have polyamory in their life. We don't know yet if that applies to him. Give him a chance, but don't push.

That's my advice for now.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What Kevin said. :p

Being poly isn't a "higher" way of being (not that I think you're saying that). It works for some people, and it's not a good fit for others. Time and soul-searching will tell for him. I'm the talker in the relationship, but I know the most growth in Roger and my relationship is when I actively listen to what his experience is.

Also love the weekly talk idea. Roger and I have a weekly relationship talk that started when I was struggling with him dating Taylor. I needed some boundaries around how frequently we talked about it (we got into a phase where that's ALL we talked about - to the detriment of any other quality time) while making sure we weren't avoiding conversations that needed to happen. For us, having a set time limit (30-60 mins) that we agreed upon at the beginning helps contain the conversation and make sure we're focused on the important things. We also set an agenda at the beginning, so if either of us start going off on a tangent, the other can say "hey that sounds really important, but I know we have these other things to talk about. Do we want to table that for next week or is it important enough for us to add this to the agenda for today?" Last week, we focused on Jack coming out this past weekend, so things like sleeping arrangements, splitting time, and planned events for the weekend were the topics of concern, even though there are other things we'd like to process at some point. And I'll add that we talked a lot about how that space can be safe to both of us - so calling out the process (hey, it seems like we're both getting tense - what's up with that? What's going on for us?) and tabling certain discussions if either of us need time to process things on our own for a few days and want to check in later. We use the last 5 minutes to recap on what we each learned and what we've decided to do moving forward. We pretty much created our own brand of couples therapy where we're both responsible for the process. But that's what works for us - you'll have to figure out what's best for you two! :)
 
reflections said:
I'm curious about how much research he's been doing into polyamory himself. Has he been seeking out information? It sounds like he (and the two of you) need some time to figure out if this is what he wants. Does he want to date other people himself? Does he want to just support you in dating others? Would he prefer a monogamous partner? Definitely some soul searching that will take some time.

Can he describe it in more detail? What are the underlying fears? Can you get a better understanding of it and truly put yourself in his shoes before the two of you work on problem solving? It sounds like you two could be talking a lot more about all this.
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He hasn't done that much researching. He told me he typed "girlfriend is bi and wants bf and gf" into google...skimmed some stuff...and that was it. He said he doesn't want to seek out other relationships. I believe him and I won't force that on him, but we have definitely dealt with his fidelity issues in the past. I'm a forgiving person and sometimes loyal to a fault. He's definitely had his fair share of mistakes throughout our relationship. Which is another reason I'm surprised he isn't as open to this as I thought he would be. He says that he did those things in the past because I wasn't giving him what he needed at the time- sex. (It's no excuse and that is something we have addressed). Maybe that is where the confusion lies? He did things because I wasn't giving him what he needed, so he thinks that this new phase is a result of him not giving me what I need?? Maybe?? But like I've stated before, it has nothing to do with what he's doing or not doing for me. It's just a different kind of love I have for the two of them.

He constantly tells me that it isn't the relationship that bothers him (which I don't believe), but the betrayal. I wish I would've told him while things were unfolding, but I've tried to explain to him how confusing things were for me. I have never been emotionally and romantically involved with a woman before, so all of these feelings I was experiencing were so foreign to me. This is not an excuse at all and doesn't validate my actions, I just didn't know how to compartmentalize and label them and fully understand how I could want him and her, equally. Outside of 3somes during our (me and fiance) crazy college days, I identified as a straight woman. All of a sudden I've fallen head over heels for a very close friend. Things between me and her had only been going on for about a month before he found out and even during my coming-out conversation, he was more upset that I couldn't tell him. I had intentions on telling him in a therapy session we had scheduled (he found everything out on a Wed. Therapy was scheduled for Thurs) because I was finally comfortable with my sexuality and knew that the best way to communicate this to him was during therapy. Things just didn't happen that way.....

I also think he thinks I'm going to "choose" her over him, which I could never do. Or love her more than him. When he feels like this, I try to reassure him that she could never replace him and that my feelings for him have never changed. I still want a family with him and achieve life goals like we've always talked about. My girlfriend even talked to him, after she asked me if it was okay of course, and explained to him that she wants nothing but the best for me and him and that she's always begging me to start having children with him so she can see me experience the joys of motherhood with the man I love.

He has his days where he is more okay with it than other days, so I'm really giving an effort to be understanding and ask the right questions when he's struggling. I'm definitely a talker. He is not. He even made the comment, "We don't have to keep talking about it all the time. Just let me deal with it." But I feel like there's no way this can work without communication :( ....
 
kdt26417 said:
You should continue to talk with him from time to time, about how he's feeling about poly and how you can help. Maybe establish a day and time to meet once a week? Doesn't mean you can't talk at other times, just gives you a definite window in which you can plan on really digging into things.

The bad news is, you must allow him the freedom to reject polyamory if that's what he wants to do. Not all people can or even should have polyamory in their life. We don't know yet if that applies to him. Give him a chance, but don't push.
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That's a great idea. Maybe that's what he was saying when he said "we don't have to talk about it all the time." I guess my anxiety to make sure he always feels confident in where we stand can come across as a bit suffocating if I'm always asking questions and grilling him on how he feels.

I don't want to push at all. But I guess I'm having a difficult time processing how I've handled all of his infidelities vs. how he's handling this. Am I comparing apples and oranges? Even when we used to do 3somes back in college, the girls were always friends of mine first...so maybe its the fact that he feels left out or like its a competition?
 
reflections said:
What Kevin said. :p

I needed some boundaries around how frequently we talked about it (we got into a phase where that's ALL we talked about - to the detriment of any other quality time) while making sure we weren't avoiding conversations that needed to happen. For us, having a set time limit (30-60 mins) that we agreed upon at the beginning helps contain the conversation and make sure we're focused on the important things. We also set an agenda at the beginning, so if either of us start going off on a tangent, the other can say "hey that sounds really important, but I know we have these other things to talk about. Do we want to table that for next week or is it important enough for us to add this to the agenda for today?" We use the last 5 minutes to recap on what we each learned and what we've decided to do moving forward.
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I'm so glad I came here. All of this advice is GOLDEN. Thank you so much for that breakdown. I will definitely try to implement that this week. He isn't much of a talker, so I know it would probably be at most 30 mins...at least when we're first starting out lol.

Again...thank you!
 
You're welcome! Glad it was helpful. :)

In hearing how he's been handling all this, I think one of the things I'd want to bring up if I were you is checking in about how processing is going. "So I hear you saying that you don't want to talk about it all the time. I'm also feeling (this is my best guess at how you might be feeling, so I could be completely wrong) pressured to want to provide you with as much support as I can and ease your pain during this transition (and perhaps even convince you that you should stay with me?). I know I've been pressuring you to talk and that's hard for you. I'm sorry; this is new for both of us. What do you need from me at this time? How can I be there for you without suffocating you? Do you want some time to think about that?" This might be a lead-in to a conversation about "what if we checked in once a week? I won't bring new stuff up outside of that time unless it's an emergency, and you'll have some space for me to listen to how things are going for you and support you in any way I can."

Just remember that you can ask all the "right" questions you want, and he might still be struggling. There's no magical thing you can say to make him all better. His emotions are his emotions, and while you can be there for him, you can't change how he's feeling. He might decide that being in a relationship with someone who is poly is not right for him. Yes, that would suck, but it would probably suck less than him staying and not being true to HIMself.

My best guess is that he's grieving the infidelity AND grieving the loss of the life he envisioned with you. While you can confirm that you still want to have a family together and that your vision hasn't changed, remember that you just came out as bi, you just told him you're in love with someone else, you weren't upfront with him in the beginning (for lots of reasons, not placing blame here). You've had time to process your feelings. Sounds like he needs time too. And you being poly will inevitably influence your and his future. He thought you'd be his one and only and vice versa. That belief has shattered, and that takes time to adjust to, or decide he's not up for that kind of life. While I do believe for poly people that love is infinite, time and resources aren't unfortunately.
 
reflections said:
...remember that you just came out as bi, you just told him you're in love with someone else, you weren't upfront with him in the beginning (for lots of reasons, not placing blame here). You've had time to process your feelings. Sounds like he needs time too. And you being poly will inevitably influence your and his future. He thought you'd be his one and only and vice versa. That belief has shattered, and that takes time to adjust to, or decide he's not up for that kind of life. While I do believe for poly people that love is infinite, time and resources aren't unfortunately.
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:( Thank you for putting all of that into perspective. That IS a lot to deal with at once. When I confirmed that I was bi, his first response was "I knew that all this time." I was taking comfort in hoping he wasn't struggling with that as much, but either way....his vision of our future is altered.

I hope he can accept this part of me and still look forward to building a future together. But above all else, I pray he forgives me. I should have done things differently and I regret that now.
 
Re (from morethan2):
"He did things because I wasn't giving him what he needed, so he thinks that this new phase is a result of him not giving me what I need? Maybe?"
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I wouldn't be surprised. Maybe he feels that way subconsciously?

Re:
"He constantly tells me that it isn't the relationship that bothers him (which I don't believe), but the betrayal."
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Oh? What does he mean by betrayal? Is polyamory always a betrayal, is that it? or was there some kind of gap between your involvement with this other woman and him finding out about it? Can you elaborate?

Re:
"Things between me and her had only been going on for about a month before he found out ..."
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When you say "things," do you mean that you and she were having sex with each other? or that there was a month of emotional relationship? or both?

Re:
"We don't have to keep talking about it all the time. Just let me deal with it."
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Hmmm. Well, not everyone is a strong communicator, and if he's saying that, I have to conclude that he feels he is making progress in dealing with it. Maybe he really does just need some time?

Just talking about it once a week (at a scheduled day and time) may be a good compromise for both of you.

Re (from Post #14):
"Even when we used to do threesomes back in college, the girls were always friends of mine first ... so maybe it's the fact that he feels left out or like it's a competition?"
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Only he can answer that. Preferably on one of those scheduled days!
 
kdt26417 said:
Oh? What does he mean by betrayal? Is polyamory always a betrayal, is that it? or was there some kind of gap between your involvement with this other woman and him finding out about it? Can you elaborate?



When you say "things," do you mean that you and she were having sex with each other? or that there was a month of emotional relationship? or both?
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Yes. Both. For about a month. Him and I had a planned therapy session on Thursday (where I was going to tell him I was bi and about her) but he found out everything the day before.

Before I even developed feelings for her and saw her STRICTLY as a friend, he had always made jokes like "why don't yall have phone sex or something" or if I was at her house watching chick flicks, he would say "Pop in a porn, stop being lame." So even though I felt like he would've been okay with the sexual part, I thought telling him the emotional part in therapy would be the best route to go. Unfortunately, I was never able to find out.
 
It sounds like that one month of emotional relationship was the thing that really bothered him. He must have confronted you about it the day before your therapy session?
 
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