And I thought I was just being selfish....

So you had a sexual and emotional affair with her a month before he found out/you were planning on telling him? Ah, I had thought just emotional. Yeah, that does make it much more challenging. Transitioning from cheating into polyamory is particularly difficult from what I've heard from other posters. I've heard that the most success comes after the person who cheated cuts off everything with the other person to refocus on the original relationship. I'm sure that's not what you were hoping to hear, and I don't know if it's possible to continue both relationships, but my guess is that it's going to be quite rocky for a while. :(

If you want to get other perspectives, you're welcome to post in the Poly Relationships Corner too - there tends to be more variety in responses there. Though I certainly don't mind continuing to provide support here, as I'm sure Kevin would agree!
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like that one month of emotional relationship was the thing that really bothered him. He must have confronted you about it the day before your therapy session?
Click to expand...

Literally the day before. My gf's husband got into an argument with her and outed her sexuality and our situation to all of her family and friends. And of course my fiance.

Definitely not how I wanted him to find out. That was my whole goal for therapy.
 
reflections said:
So you had a sexual and emotional affair with her a month before he found out/you were planning on telling him? Ah, I had thought just emotional. Yeah, that does make it much more challenging. Transitioning from cheating into polyamory is particularly difficult from what I've heard from other posters. I've heard that the most success comes after the person who cheated cuts off everything with the other person to refocus on the original relationship. I'm sure that's not what you were hoping to hear, and I don't know if it's possible to continue both relationships, but my guess is that it's going to be quite rocky for a while. :(

If you want to get other perspectives, you're welcome to post in the Poly Relationships Corner too - there tends to be more variety in responses there. Though I certainly don't mind continuing to provide support here, as I'm sure Kevin would agree!
Click to expand...

Yea I was afraid of that. I guess I'll see how things pan out, but it seems like I'm going to have to make a pretty tough decision. I wish I would've gone about this a different way and opened up to him about my sexuality earlier but its too late for woulda, coulda, shouldas...

Thank you so much for yalls support and guidance. I feel like I'm definitely going to need more along the way.
 
Sorry you weren't able to wait until the therapy session to out yourself. :(
 
kdt26417 said:
Sorry you weren't able to wait until the therapy session to out yourself. :(
Click to expand...

Thank you for that. I felt like I was forced out of the closet, which is a whole other issue I'm dealing with. I felt like me being bi was no one's business to tell but mine, and that was ruined for me. But I can't be mad at anyone else but myself. I could have handled everything differently. So now I'm going to take the advice you all have given me and try to regain his trust and hope that things can work out without anyone else getting hurt.

I can't thank you all enough.
 
You WERE forced out of the closet, which sucks. But it's a sucky situation all around, including for your metamour (girlfriend's husband). I'm guessing she's also gotta be going through these hard discussions about whether or not he is up for poly, especially after cheating (or did he know?). Sounds like it's rough for all four of you right now.

Glad to help and please let us know if there are other things we can do to support you! :eek:
 
reflections said:
I'm guessing she's also gotta be going through these hard discussions about whether or not he is up for poly, especially after cheating (or did he know?). Sounds like it's rough for all four of you right now.

Glad to help and please let us know if there are other things we can do to support you! :eek:
Click to expand...

No he knew. 100%. They had arrangements since they were married 5 years ago, meaning she could have sex with other women only. No men. When she developed feelings for me, she told him and he was still fine with everything. I even asked him, from a guys perspective, if I should tell my fiance and he initially said NO. But I explained how I wanted to go to therapy and he said that it might work better telling him that way.

And then he does this....
 
Augh. Just keep in mind that he's your metamour, so you might have more of that to deal with in the future. Don't know if I'd be able to handle someone who does stuff like that...
 
Re (from morethan2):
"I explained how I wanted to go to therapy and he said that it might work better telling him that way.
And then he does this ..."
Click to expand...

:mad:
 
reflections said:
Don't know if I'd be able to handle someone who does stuff like that...
Click to expand...

kdt26417 said:
Re (from morethan2):


:mad:
Click to expand...

Exactly. And after he's outed me and her to all of her family and friends (none of her family knew she was bi. She had kept that a secret since she was younger)...she's questioning whether she can handle someone like that too. I've encouraged them to get counseling because they have a family, but ultimately she'll make her own decision.
 
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