What is the appeal of a unicorn?

FallenAngelina

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
This might be obvious to most, but I don't really understand the overwhelming popularity of the unicorn fantasy/desire. Other than the fact that most people find young women sexually appealing, what is the draw - specifically, to an established couple? Thoughts?
 
This is coming from someone who has absolutely no interest in unicorns, but just from what I've observed over the years:

First, a unicorn isn't necessarily a *young* woman. Just one who is willing to have sex with both the man and woman in a heterosexual couple. At least that's the way "unicorn" is generally used, though I've also seen it occasionally applied to a bisexual *man* who's willing to have sex with both partners in an established heterosexual couple, and I would imagine it could also be used for someone who is willing to have sex with both partners in an established same-sex couple.

However, answering your question as it applies to heterosexual couples seeking a female "unicorn":

Some couples agree to open their marriage (whether sexually or polyamorously or whatever) because the wife is bisexual and wants the best of both worlds, to continue having sex with her husband but also have a female sex partner.

Sometimes those couples want to share the other woman because they're afraid if they have sex separately, they'll risk their marriage. Sometimes it's because the husband figures if his wife gets to have sex with a woman, he should be able to as well. Sometimes it's simply because the husband wants to watch the women together and be able to join in. Sometimes it's because the wife believes it's what the husband wants, and she wants to make him happy.

Other times, the couple wants to share the unicorn because they don't realize that *not* sharing is an option; I've seen a few posts on this forum that imply that some new-to-poly or new-to-swinging couples don't understand that being open doesn't require having sex with others *together*.
 
What KC43 said (from what I have seen here and elsewhere, not being bi nor part of a unicorn-seeking couple myself). Plus, A LOT of the time, it comes out of the female partner in a hetero couple wanting to open their relationship but the male partner feels much too threatened and/or afraid of being emasculated if "his woman" is sexual with another man. What if the new guy has a bigger dick or brings her to orgasm better or more often than he does? If a woman makes his partner come, he thinks that's more erotic and his dick cannot compete with a vagina, so cool. And what if the guy makes more money and can treat her to better dates, or buy nicer gifts than he can give her? What kind of man is he if another man satisfies his wife/partner better than he can? Besides, her being with another woman wouldn't be a "real" relationship anyway, but with another man, his wife/partner might leave him. So, instead of confronting and challenging those thoughts and feelings, he will only permit poly if it is with another female -- less threatening and he can help himself to sex with her gf, too - all to protect his fragile sense of masculinity.

We've seen lots of stories here where the woman agrees to look for a unicorn even if she's straight, because she feels she has no other options to keep her husband happy, and is afraid he'll cheat if she doesn't go along with it
 
My ex husband wanted a unicorn. It was because I wanted a girlfriend but he couldn't handle the idea of me being in a relationship without him. He wanted her to aldo only be inppolyfi because he had a one penis policy
 
NYCindie, I am so glad you said this. I was holding back, but it's very much what I've experienced. In addition, often, the woman isn't "allowed" to have a girlfriend of her own, because then the husband would want one, and that would "threaten" the marriage. So, they agree to share. Being bi, it's *always* been assumed I'll just sleep with some woman's BF/husband. It's so creepy.

nycindie said:
What KC43 said (from what I have seen here and elsewhere, not being bi nor part of a unicorn-seeking couple myself). Plus, A LOT of the time, it comes out of the female partner in a hetero couple wanting to open their relationship but the male partner feels much too threatened and/or afraid of being emasculated if "his woman" is sexual with another man. What if the new guy has a bigger dick or brings her to orgasm better or more often than he does? If a woman makes his partner come, he thinks that's more erotic and his dick cannot compete with a vagina, so cool. And what if the guy makes more money and can treat her to better dates, or buy nicer gifts than he can give her? What kind of man is he if another man satisfies his wife/partner better than he can? Besides, her being with another woman wouldn't be a "real" relationship anyway, but with another man, his wife/partner might leave him. So, instead of confronting and challenging those thoughts and feelings, he will only permit poly if it is with another female -- less threatening and he can help himself to sex with her gf, too - all to protect his fragile sense of masculinity.

We've seen lots of stories here where the woman agrees to look for a unicorn even if she's straight, because she feels she has no other options to keep her husband happy, and is afraid he'll cheat if she doesn't go along with it
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I do think it's also worth saying that not everyone in a FFM triad is, of course, a unicorn hunter. Some form organically, and some are very healthy. Just, in my (admittedly non-scientific, anecdotal) experience, not a very high percentage.
 
Re (from OP):
"What is the appeal of a unicorn?"
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Hawt threesome sex? :)

I don't know, it's weird ... It's like there's this little gnome posting on forums everywhere telling people that unicorn hunting is the sole definition of polyamory.

I think a lot of the draw is that the couple sees their HBB as a way to bind their couple dyad more tightly together. It's all about strengthening (and protecting) the original couple. Maybe it's an artifact of originally just swinging as a couple?

We need some unicorn hunters to post on this thread, so we can get their side of the story.
 
out thoughts

For our thinking, I, Ann, can be closer to another Bi female than a male. I have always felt having a girlfriend to share with is so much easier than another man. I love AL but have no desire to have another male. I am almost a lesbian but love AL (husband) and enjoy the openness we share.

Ann, Female half of SGAcpl
 
The problem is not seeking another woman, or even another woman to share, it is more that people can have a very vivid fantasy image that they impose on people they meet instead of being open and curious about actual people. Another problem can be a lack of plan B's, for instance : what do we do if she falls in love with just one?
 
From the "unicorn" side of things, almost all the couples have wanted to "share everything" with each other, including their "unicorn." They often state it's because they're just so intimate that they have to share everything and don't want to have life and intimate experiences without their partner, which is certainly their choice. That said, the reality is it generally equates to the issues already listed above (insecure, jealousy, protection of the original couple, etc.).
 
@ GreenAcres ... yeah I think that's how a lot of couples see it is, "We're so close we just want to share everything."

@ Norwegianpoly ... I agree those are some of the major pitfalls with "the MFF ideal."

@ SGAcpl ... thanks for your perspective on the subject, I think I understand a little better than before.
 
KC43 said:
...Some couples agree to open their marriage (whether sexually or polyamorously or whatever) because the wife is bisexual and wants the best of both worlds, to continue having sex with her husband but also have a female sex partner.
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While we're not unicorn hunters, some of this is familiar territory for my wife and me. We've actually had more than one conversation about the somewhat flippant expression "wants the best of both worlds." It conjures up the popular culture image of straight girls having girlfriends (or at least making out in public with girls) for the benefit of their boyfriends. I'm not saying that is necessarily a bad thing, but, there are women who are bisexual, or queer, or married lesbians (labels are really limiting) with a deep, core need and sexual orientation that only a relationship with a woman can fulfill. They don't want the best of both worlds, they want to feel sexually fulfilled and complete.

nycindie said:
...If a woman makes his partner come, he thinks that's more erotic and his dick cannot compete with a vagina, so cool.
...Besides, her being with another woman wouldn't be a "real" relationship anyway
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I've never quite understood this logic. As a man who has a wife that desires to have a relationship with a woman (in addition to and separate from her relationship with me), it always seemed to me that while I could at least "compete" with her affections for another man, I was out of the game entirely if she wanted another woman and didn't want me. Any man who thinks otherwise is naive and just kind of doesn't get it.

Enough of my thread hijack. Back to waiting for actual unicorn hunters to respond.
 
I think most dint identify as unicorn hunters, which may mean we won't see many responses.

polyamoryinmotion said:
.

Enough of my thread hijack. Back to waiting for actual unicorn hunters to respond.
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polyamoryinmotion said:
I've never quite understood this logic. As a man who has a wife that desires to have a relationship with a woman (in addition to and separate from her relationship with me), it always seemed to me that while I could at least "compete" with her affections for another man, I was out of the game entirely if she wanted another woman and didn't want me. Any man who thinks otherwise is naive and just kind of doesn't get it.
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No, you've got it exactly. That is what I was saying. Since they don't have the same equipment, the kind of men I'm talking about won't see any threat in another woman because there is no competition there. They know that it's a totally different thing.

But another penis/breadwinner enters the game and they get all, "ooh, I have to protect my property [their female partner] so no one sees me as less of a man than the other guy is." Much less of a threat to say, "Let's share a bi woman," and not "allow" their wife or gf to date a man. That also negates the value of a woman-woman relationship, as if another woman couldn't possibly steal their partner away.
 
So, a woman is perceived to be less sexually intimidating and more nurturing to the existing hetero relationship, whereas adding a man introduces competition and threats to the status quo?

I'm also curious what the unicorn would get out of this situation. In all of the "ads" for unicorns, the couples seem to stress how financially stable they are, as well as emotionally stable, which would indicate that security is what's offered in exchange for her sexual presence in the couple's home. Or?
 
nycindie said:
...But another penis/breadwinner enters the game and they get all, "ooh, I have to protect my property [their female partner] so no one sees me as less of a man than the other guy is." Much less of a threat to say, "Let's share a bi woman," and not "allow" their wife or gf to date a man..
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Totally agree about the property thing.

nycindie said:
That also negates the value of a woman-woman relationship, as if another woman couldn't possibly steal their partner away
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... because for this sort of man, it is inconceivable that any woman would ever find sex with a woman to be preferable than sex with him. Or to put it a bit more bluntly, sex with his equipment.
 
Interesting to note that it is the man's (husband's) insecurities, rather than any the woman (wife) may have, that are protected in a unicorn-hunting situation.

@ HappilyFallenAngel ... it does seem like "peace and stability" are what the original couple usually offers the HBB.

I'm also having a thought that, in particular, if the original couple is married, that they aren't just trying to protect themselves and their relationship; they're trying to protect the sanctity of their marriage, and the institution of marriage as well. Traditional marriages come with vows/expectations of exclusivity; many people probably fear that their marriage will die if some vestige of that exclusivity isn't maintained.

Re (from GreenAcres):
"I think most don't identify as unicorn hunters, which may mean we won't see many responses."
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Right ... ahem, rephrase: We need the input of couples who seek an ideal MFF triad relationship.
 
I think it is sometimes the insecurities of both, actually. For the man, it's as stated: a woman couldn't possible be a "threat" to him because..no penis. :rolleyes: And, for the female, she gets to determine who he dates/has sex with, and so gets to keep "control," whereas, if he dated other women on his own, the female partner may think he'll leave her. I've never really seen unicorn hunters without veto power, and IMHO it's almost always the female partner that exercises it, and often/usually because of insecurities.

I also agree with Kevin about protecting the "sanctity" of the marriage. Read as: one penis policy. It's not really sex if there's not a dick involved, right? So, that's just not the same thing as if a dude was allowed into the relationship. Plus, the guy (generally) doesn't want to have sex with another man, so what's in it for him? /sarcasm

In theory, yes, financial stability is one benefit for the "unicorn." That assumes an awful lot, though, and can get into some territory that is, at least from my perspective, a bit...icky. But, for some bi-woman, it may be something they want or value. Emotional stability is something that is often touted by a couple seeking a HBB, but it seems to me that it generally isn't emotionally stable for the HBB, so much as for the couple. There's a lot of emotional wreckage when a FFM triad doesn't work out, and the "third" almost always get, by far, the worst of it, esp. since there's usually an expectation of poly-fi. Becoming financially and emotionally entangled in a situation where two people have what amounts to control over one, which is often what happens, is a real possibility for "unicorns;" so, while I think the couple sees the financial and emotional "stability" as things they can offer, from a unicorn's perspective, I think it's really a double-edged sword.

kdt26417 said:
Interesting to note that it is the man's (husband's) insecurities, rather than any the woman (wife) may have, that are protected in a unicorn-hunting situation.

I'm also having a thought that, in particular, if the original couple is married, that they aren't just trying to protect themselves and their relationship; they're trying to protect the sanctity of their marriage, and the institution of marriage as well. Traditional marriages come with vows/expectations of exclusivity; many people probably fear that their marriage will die if some vestige of that exclusivity isn't maintained.

Re (from GreenAcres):


Right ... ahem, rephrase: We need the input of couples who seek an ideal MFF triad relationship.
Click to expand...
 
In my experience, Unicorn Hunters are seeking a myth-- a hot bi babe who gives them a fun time together, who is great to hang out with, thinks they're both (equally) amazing, doesn't mind house chores, provides free baby-sitting, has no life plan of her own so she melds perfectly into their plan, and is willing to fade into the background when needed out of respect for their "primary" connection. She's not needy, probably independently wealthy.

Naive, inexperienced hetero couples show up all the time looking for this fantasy woman to invite into their marriage. Clearly, she'll meet all of their needs and present no challenges by having any needs of her own.

And the whole point is, this mythical creature does not exist.
 
Re (from GreenAcres):
"I've never really seen unicorn hunters without veto power, and IMHO it's almost always the female partner that exercises it, and often/usually because of insecurities."
Click to expand...

Now that you mention it, I can remember accounts of female partners exercising veto power, but no accounts of male partners execising it. Don't know if it's coincidence or confirmation bias, but ...
 
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