What is the appeal of a unicorn?

[nycindie]

In my experience, Unicorn Hunters are seeking a myth-- a hot bi babe who gives them a fun time together, who is great to hang out with, thinks they're both (equally) amazing, doesn't mind house chores, provides free baby-sitting, has no life plan of her own so she melds perfectly into their plan, and is willing to fade into the background when needed out of respect for their "primary" connection. She's not needy, probably independently wealthy.

No, actually, an independently wealthy woman wouldn't need them so much. Most unicorn hunters attract, and often prefer, young women without means. If she's broke and needs a place to stay, they can move their living, breathing sex toy in with them, provide her with food, buy her nice things, even pay for her school or buy her a car because this puts them in an even higher position of power. They never wait any reasonable amount of time before opening up their home to this needy stranger, and expect a loving triad to happen instantaneously. These unicorn hunters believe they are well-intentioned and acting with beneficence toward her, yet they will get upset if/when she starts asserting herself and wanting something different. They want to be in control of her so they won't lose control of their core relationship.

When she starts wanting to do things like go out and socialize with others, stay out late with friends, date someone new, and -- inevitably -- only have sex with one of them instead of both, she is out on her ass on the curb. Sometimes it backfires in a big way for the couple because there are unscrupulous women who will seize the opportunity to have access to their bank accounts and personal property, or they find out they've moved in someone who's a psychopath and dangerous.

 

[PinkPig]

I'm not a unicorn hunter, but I was in a closed triad that worked well for about six months. Ours started out naturally. My bf, Blue, introduced me to his new gf, Snow. My relationship with Snow started out as friends. We ended up in a threesome a couple times. Then, we started going out as a 'three', all holding hands, and publicly affectionate, etc, and finally, our relationship became sexual apart Blue (though sex between Snow & I was a minor part of the dynamics.)

While Blue & I aren't actively seeking another such relationship, we're both open to it and would love if we fell into another such relationship.

I liked that we all felt like a family or a 'unit.' I also liked the intimate connection of all of us sharing ourselves and each other with one another? Of course, I realize that it only worked because Snow & I had many shared interests and just clicked. I enjoyed sharing Blue. I'm also still working through my religious programming, and I think it was a good intro into non-monogamy for me. It was a closed triad and it just felt like one more person was in our circle of intimacy? If that makes sense. I recognize that we can also achieve the feeling of family and the closed circle of intimacy with other poly configurations. I just think starting with a shared partner helped open me to that realization? I think when you've always lived monogamously, just widening your circle of monogamy seems so much less intimidating than opening your circle up completely? Don't know if that makes sense, but that's my take My take is probably different because Blue has always been poly, throughout our entire relationship. It was me becoming non-monogamous that is/was the more difficult transition for me.

 

[Inyourendo]

Re (from GreenAcres):


Now that you mention it, I can remember accounts of female partners exercising veto power, but no accounts of male partners execising it. Don't know if it's coincidence or confirmation bias, but ...

It seems most often than not the unicorn is more interested in the guy. The existing partner gets left out while unicorn and man experience NRE

 

[kdt26417]

"Cowgirl unicorn"

 

[central]

I've had a straight female FWB for the past three years that is slowly moving towards a more poly relationship as a V. (She is much younger, but that really has no bearing on our relationship - she is well employed and picked me.) She and my wife became good friends, but are not sexually interested (both are straight). We've only once had a threesome, which was all for my benefit. I don't know if the term unicorn applies to her, but she calls herself one.

 

[GreenAcres]

It seems most often than not the unicorn is more interested in the guy. The existing partner gets left out while unicorn and man experience NRE

Which is one of the big issues of unicorn hunters, generally: the expectation that said "unicorn" will be equally attracted to both partners.

Anecdotally, when I've been more attracted to the woman, the guy in a couple usually didn't really care all that much in most cases. When it was the opposite, the female tended to throw a fit and veto. Also, interestingly (to me), I am generally *much* more attracted to woman, and have had more and longer relationships with women, than men. But, when I have dated couples, with few exceptions I've ended up attracted to the man and losing my attraction to the woman, and it was almost always for the same reasons: insecurity, neediness, the desire to control someone, "competition," and drama are HUGE turn-offs for me, and the women started displaying these very heavily in short order, regardless of anything else going on (meaning no, they weren't being neglected, I wasn't cowgirling, etc.). For whatever reason, this seemed to be what happened pretty soon after any FFM triad started forming. Whether that says that I tend to attract couples with that dynamic, or that most couples seeking a HBB have that dynamic (and if so, yes, I am sure there are exceptions), I don't know. But, it's one of the reasons I stopped being willing to date couples (even though I'd have loved a functioning triad). While there are clearly couples who *aren't* like that and triads that function well, it was just too stressful to deal with the (seemingly) overwhelming number of those who are and that don't.

 

[kdt26417]

So, when they say a man often feels more threatened by "his" woman being in love with another man, but another woman is okay ... does a woman often likewise feel more threatened by "her" man being in love with another woman, while perhaps another man would be okay?

If so, a (closed) MMF triad would just as likely break down as a (closed) MFF triad. It's just that in the MMF triad, the (original) man (rather than the original woman) would be the source of the insecurity, neediness, desire to control someone, competition, and drama.

In a nutshell, I'm thinking that for some reason, people (in triads) tend to feel less threatened by same-sex relationships than they do by opposite-sex relationships. In an MFF triad, the man gets the "safety" of an OPP ... while in an MMF triad, the woman would get the "safety" of an OVP.

Am I onto something? What do you think?

 

[GreenAcres]

Kdt,

I've seen very few examples of a MMF triad, but I would think you may be onto something. Many people in our society do not view same-sex relationships "real" relationships with the possibility of deep, romantic feelings. This is true of many straight people when talking about gay relationships in general, though I think the view is finally changing. It's even more true, I find, about bi people. For whatever reason, we are seen as being mostly "straight" in terms of love and romance, but liking to fuck everyone (unless you're in the gay community at all, in which case you're generally told that you need to just "be gay," because you're only have "straight" sex to avoid being stigmatized).

It would follow that many people may not see same-sex relationships, in the idea of a closed triad, as a threat because they can't conceive, themselves, of having deep same-sex feelings and so assumes the same of their partner, which would make it "less threatening."

So, when they say a man often feels more threatened by "his" woman being in love with another man, but another woman is okay ... does a woman often likewise feel more threatened by "her" man being in love with another woman, while perhaps another man would be okay?

If so, a (closed) MMF triad would just as likely break down as a (closed) MFF triad. It's just that in the MMF triad, the (original) man (rather than the original woman) would be the source of the insecurity, neediness, desire to control someone, competition, and drama.

In a nutshell, I'm thinking that for some reason, people (in triads) tend to feel less threatened by same-sex relationships than they do by opposite-sex relationships. In an MFF triad, the man gets the "safety" of an OPP ... while in an MMF triad, the woman would get the "safety" of an OVP.

Am I onto something? What do you think?

 

[kdt26417]

Okay, cool.

My Facebook feed seems to be hinting that biphobia (Is that the right word?) may be the next thing to go (after homophobia). Does that sound accurate?

 

[GreenAcres]

I really hope so, because what a PitA it's been

Okay, cool.

My Facebook feed seems to be hinting that biphobia (Is that the right word?) may be the next thing to go (after homophobia). Does that sound accurate?

 

[kdt26417]

I hope so too.

 

[LoveBunny]

@HappilyFallenAngel

I'm also curious what the unicorn would get out of this situation.

I think what unicorn hunters THINK the unicorn gets is this: if you're a bisexual woman, you want one partner of each gender, right? This way you get to have sex with a man and a woman! At the same time! Without doing the work of actually dating two people (since the couple operates as one unit.)

What they don't seem to understand is that a woman might prefer to choose her own partners, male or female. I, personally, have no desire to be the sharp point of the triangle while the other two are the base. Also, not everyone is into threeway sex. I prefer sex one on one.

I think most women willing to play unicorn are either simply after sexual gratification and attention, or they are very inexperienced just-coming-out-as-bi and/or poly and dating a couple seems like a shortcut towards a poly/bi experience.

I suspect another reason for the popularity of unicorn hunting is that the if the female of the male-female couple isn't totally comfortable in her bisexuality, having her man there makes her feel "less gay." I bitterly accuse women of homophobia who insist on having their man involved, or watching.

I always wonder why, on dating sites, couples seeking unicorns (or other couples) tend to stress how in love they are. How does it benefit me that you two are in love? Am I supposed to assume that your love is so huge it will encompass me as well? Or am I supposed to think, "Oh good. No chance of me breaking up the primary couple, because that is totally my main concern here."

 

[LoveBunny]

For our thinking, I, Ann, can be closer to another Bi female than a male. I have always felt having a girlfriend to share with is so much easier than another man. I love AL but have no desire to have another male. I am almost a lesbian but love AL (husband) and enjoy the openness we share.

But why is it more appealing to you to "share" a woman with your husband than to just get your own girlfriend?

 

[Magdlyn]

About MMF triads:

I recently saw a male poster on here, who is in a MMF triad, refer to his male unicorn as a "sex toy" openly. As if the guy should just have no feelings, no opinions, no needs of his own, and be used to make the MF couple feel extra good.

And in a more personal story:


My ex bf Ginger was (and I think still is) a male unicorn for a married couple. Both guys are bi, the woman is straight. The husband, David, only agrees to let his wife Carla, have sex with another man if he, David, is also in the bed. The few times he "allowed" Carla and Ginger to have dates/sex separate from him, he freaked out at his emotions and "broke up" the triad. They broke up and got back together 3 times in 5 months.

But then David would resume the triad by this method: He'd come over for one one one sex with Ginger, even though he wouldn't allow Carla to have one on one sex with Ginger. And after a few sessions of MM sex, he'd soften enough to allow Carla back in the mix.

Ginger didn't use the words "butter David up," but he'd say he is doing everything he can to help David feel comfortable with his (Ginger's) feelings for Carla, and her feelings for him. He is more in love with Carla, but feels affection for David, and loves the gay sex.

Now, Ginger has Asperger's and is an opportunistic narcissist, so this all seems to work for him. I found it disgusting ethically (plus all the drama of their negotiations, jealousies, breakups and happy reunions made him neglect me) and broke up with him after it had gone on a few months.

So, Ginger gets sex and "love" (as far as he can really feel love, it could just be "narcissistic supply") and the married couple has a tame bi guy who will take just about any kind of shit to get to keep fucking and getting attention (bad or good) from them. I once told Ginger, "It's so complicated!" He chuckled calmly and said, "I like complicated." He'd also seduced my gf when we were together. They became FWBs of a sort, so we had a sort of triad. Previous to us he had 2 gfs on and off for years, who were frenemies and competed for his attention!

Perhaps some or most people, male and female, who seek to be in a unicorn role, are narcissists. No real ethical moral center, just craving the sex, the attention, and getting off on the pain of the couple competing for them.

 

[GreenAcres]

While I think Magdyln can be correct about sine reasons a, unicorn may desire a couple, they were never my reasons.I love the idea of egalitarian communal living. Several people sharing finances, household responsibilities, etc. Full on large communes kind of freak me out, as the ones I've seen are either religious (I am am atheist), or just flat out creepy in other ways.I am bunk, but don't need to sleep with both sexes to be happy, and would just as gladly be with only men or only women, but it's just statistics that say that's less likely.

That said, while the idea of a triad/quad/etc appeals to me, the reality of those looking for a single woman for a group haven't had the same ideas about egalitarianism. So, it's proved to be very not worth the hassle of being involved.

I also agree with the whole "we're so in love" focus from couples. I am not sure what they're trying to get at with that continual emphasis.

 

[Mya]

I always wonder why, on dating sites, couples seeking unicorns (or other couples) tend to stress how in love they are. How does it benefit me that you two are in love? Am I supposed to assume that your love is so huge it will encompass me as well? Or am I supposed to think, "Oh good. No chance of me breaking up the primary couple, because that is totally my main concern here."

I also agree with the whole "we're so in love" focus from couples. I am not sure what they're trying to get at with that continual emphasis.

I think they're trying to convey that their relationship is doing well and that they're not trying to find a third to repair their broken relationship. I've never been on either side of a unicorn situation, but that's just my guess why unicorn hunters keep emphasizing the greatness of their love/relationship.

 

[central]

My perspective is that a "unicorn" can become a fully equal partner - if they want to, and over time (sexually, emotionally, financially, etc.). We built our relationship over time and experiences, and someone new coming into our relationship has to build that trust and privilege through new mutually shared experiences. Do they want to be part of the relationship for the long haul, or not? If they do, that trust and love has to be earned and built the same way we did.

 

[GreenAcres]

I totally understand the "sweat equity" needed to build a relationship, but the reality is most "unicorn hunters" never really allow for it to happen.

My perspective is that a "unicorn" can become a fully equal partner - if they want to, and over time (sexually, emotionally, financially, etc.). We built our relationship over time and experiences, and someone new coming into our relationship has to build that trust and privilege through new mutually shared experiences. Do they want to be part of the relationship for the long haul, or not? If they do, that trust and love has to be earned and built the same way we did.

 

[central]

I totally understand the "sweat equity" needed to build a relationship, but the reality is most "unicorn hunters" never really allow for it to happen.

I'm sure you're right, but I don't know any unicorn hunters so can't speak from experience.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Mya):

"I think they're trying to convey that their relationship is doing well and that they're not trying to find a third to repair their broken relationship. I've never been on either side of a unicorn situation, but that's just my guess why unicorn hunters keep emphasizing the greatness of their love/relationship."

That seems to make sense.