Not so much dropped, as kicked up my ***
And because I don’t want to make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy where I say whatever is needed for her to reject me in a way that would make my worst fears come true.
And this is where being so finely attuned to my partner also seems to have turned around to bite me in the ass. Sourgirl told me many moons ago that eventually I’d get sick of myself, and it seems to have happened...finally. A lot longer that it should have been...apparently I’m way too tolerant, even for my own good. I reached the tipping point a while before Christmas, after my wife’s latest round of self-improvement. She encouraged me to do the same program and give it a try to find my way out of my funk. I thought about it, but I didn’t like the cost, so I was thinking of half-measures and excuses to avoid having to actually drink the Kool-Aid. But in the meantime, I was also drawing myself down, as bad as ever...the kind of behavior she was sick of, I seemed to be doing it more...and somewhat intentionally, although I couldn’t explain to myself why?! Could it be the attunment was kicking in? That I was doing exactly what she hated. Subconsciously driving her to leave me as part of me might think I deserved? Or deserved or not, perhaps I thought she needed an excuse to do what she wanted and bail?
Part of me wanted to blame the bf. After all, shouldn’t it be his fault that my wife isn’t happy with me anymore? I don’t want to say that her changes have been caused directly by him, but there’s a strong correlation, since they’ve been doing many of the same activities together. More directly though, he doesn’t appear to have these self-deprecating habits. So is it perhaps that my wife is comparing me to him, and is now not satisfied with me, having been with someone who doesn’t have these issues? That was a shitty thought of mine wasn’t it? She’s not supposed to compare!
Yeah, that train of thought ran its course for about a day. In reality, I will probably
thank him.
Back to the attunment: if I am sick of myself, then of course she will be as well! If I’m picking up on her frustration and subconsciously doing things that add to it, then of course it’s going to build up the pressure. And then when the break happened with her bf, and there was no longer a distraction to keep a lid on things, the pressure released, and everything boiled over in decidedly my direction, and rightly so.
Once we were able to sort out the mess a little, we have been able to have some calmish and rational conversations around it. As calm as conversations can be when I start out with “I feel like a” and she finishes with “paycheck”...that’s attunment for ya. They’re still extremely uncomfortable for me, because I feel as though I’m on the spot to make some significant changes to my character to avoid the worst case scenario. And not having an end state, I don’t yet have any concrete goals to set for myself to ensure I can fix the problem.
On the upshot, there’s not as much work to do as maybe originally thought. Or maybe it’s worse. Too early to tell. I have let myself slide in many ways for several years, and last year I was in neutral for all of it...which surprise surprise, hit me right before xmas. I’m not in fighting trim right now, and haven’t for a while, although I’m not in the worst shape I’ve ever been either. The self-deprecation...I don’t think is as deeply rooted as I might lead people to believe. It’s not so much a core value as a façade. Apparently a bit too convincing. That’s what I get for too much role-playing I guess.
There is something about me that’s broken. But I’m still trying to decide what. My wife was able to help me identify a nexus point, around 2010, which coincided with a particularly rough period at work. The place I was working at was a truly unpleasant experience, and it seems I may have become a little too bitter, twisted and jaded as a result...with a dash of whiny-bitch thrown in for good measure. It occurs to me that this was also around the time when aspects of my relationship with my gf at the time changed to something that was never fully recovered. Could the same thing happen with my wife? Ack!
To some extent, I really don’t have time to care. I feel that I need to do something and quick. I’m supposed to be a man of action after all, so time to man up and take action. A friend of mine suggested a possible issue that could be worked on and suggested a book to assist. I was off the phone for an hour and I headed out to find a copy.
Action.
I also went ahead and drank the Koolaid. As I am writing this, I’m in day 5, part of the “Kill All the Things” phase.
Action. Yesterday I could have stabbed the cook with a serving tray with the thin bit until the blood flooooows just for not getting me something out of the sandwich bar. Probably not the best time to be doing blogging and relationship processing, so this entire post can be taken with a grain of salt...or a whole salt lick, horsey style if needs be.
But no more half-measures. No more excuses. No more whining...within reason, or unless there’s cheese. My waking moments now are far more occupied now in consciously making the decisions that should take me to a better place, health, wealth and mentally. Changing my focus from the problems, to identifying and implementing solutions. Still tricksie without a roadmap to go by...but the immediate premise is that there’s probably nowhere to go but up.
There’s a nagging but-face in here though. Once upon a time, the self-deprecation was a part of the guy that my wife dated, and married. Somewhere along the line it changed from a truth-ish thing, to a façade, although I don’t recon I know when that actually happened (Pre-post marriage, pre-post career change?). Past-me was who she originally fell in love with. What I present at home now, is very different from the person I am at work. Home-me, is an echo of past-me. Work has been a major instrument in my changes over the last 10 years. Work-me doesn’t have these kinds of problems. Work-me gets shit done.
Action. Work-me, is not always a pleasant individual, and not something I’ve been keen to bring home. Parts of Work-me seem to be what she wants, despite my warnings that there’s other side-effects that come with it. She’s supported me in me doing my job, but she’s never liked it, or some of the changes in me that she did notice in the past.
So now I wonder, if I lift the veil of the self-deprecation, will she actually still be able to love the man I’ve become? Can she actually still love who I really am? Insert appropriate Dorian Gray allusion here.
That more than anything right now, scares the living bejesus out of me...and since I almost threw up when I read her last message to me about this subject on FB. (the letter itself triggered me as eerily similar to something I received from a friend a while back (mentioned a couple posts back) where the friend threw our 20 year friendship under the bus!), I doubt I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.
This is my shit, to own and to deal with. I might have others to thank in terms of kicking my ass into a proper gear to start the actual doing, rather than the sitting, moping, and yapping. There’s still time, we’re not off the rails yet, but she’s too important to me to let things slide any further.
She’s done the hard thing, being honest with me about some very unpleasant thoughts she’s been having towards me. I must also do the hard things, to make sure they don’t persist, to do a make and mend on myself, and hopefully find and shape someone that we can both like hanging around with a bit more.
Also a side note to anyone thinking about sniffing around for opportunities in the wake of this disturbance...it’s a little too early for grave dancing, so mind your manners. I don’t know how long day 5 will actually last.
activities, she keeps trying to kick me out of the house once in a while since I’m at home with the kids all the time. But it doesn’t help that my inclinations these days is to stay home in my office...which in terms of getting out of the house and time away from the kids, and mess, and other house stuff, is counterproductive.
