Hello everyone! I'm a newbie here and I need some inputs from your long experiences in this kind of relationship, if you have the time to spare. I'm a mono guy, 20ish, and have a gf who is married to another guy. I tried to give it a shot if this will work for me. They just opened up their relationship and are new to this too. How do I treat a married woman as a gf? Are there any etiquette to follow? Or should I treat her like any other mono gf i had before? We were several months into the relationship and I really like her. What are the possible byroads for this kind of relationship if I want to get serious on her? What is the next level, if there is such thing here? Thanks.
Are there long-term mono-poly relationships?
- Thread starter rob28m
- Start date
There are definitely long-term mono-poly relationships. Several people on this forum are either poly and in long-term relationships with mono people, or are mono in long-term relationships with poly people. I've been married to my monogamous husband for 7 years, and have been poly for 4 years of that.
Since I'm the poly one, I might not be the best to answer your questions, but I did date another mono guy a couple years ago. Our relationship wasn't any different from monogamous relationships I've been in. We always got together at his place due to agreements Hubby and I have. We went out to dinner sometimes, we went on long drives together, and I spent two nights a month overnight with him. He and Hubby didn't interact; I asked them to meet so they would know who each other was, and they did so, but that was the only time they saw each other.
I don't think there's any "right" way to date anyone, regardless of whether they're poly or mono. Your best bet would be to talk with *her* about what each of you would like in your relationship. That includes things like next levels.
Since I'm the poly one, I might not be the best to answer your questions, but I did date another mono guy a couple years ago. Our relationship wasn't any different from monogamous relationships I've been in. We always got together at his place due to agreements Hubby and I have. We went out to dinner sometimes, we went on long drives together, and I spent two nights a month overnight with him. He and Hubby didn't interact; I asked them to meet so they would know who each other was, and they did so, but that was the only time they saw each other.
I don't think there's any "right" way to date anyone, regardless of whether they're poly or mono. Your best bet would be to talk with *her* about what each of you would like in your relationship. That includes things like next levels.
Dagferi
Well-known member
I have been with Butch 16 years and Murf 5 years.
Both my guys are monogamous.
You treat your poly gf how she likes to be treated. Just like a mono relationship.
The only etiquette I require from my husbands is be civil when in each other company and mind your own business and focus on the relationship you have with me.
You can take the relationship as far as you and your gf want. Murf is my husband just as much as Butch is. We do all the things other couples do. I just spend my time between two different homes. I own property with both. Vacation with both. Own pets with both. I spend holidays with both.
But I am out as poly to the world. Other married poly people can request their partner to be more discreet than I am. For example Murf is going with me to see my family this weekend not Butch. I refuse to make someone have to be my dirty little secret.
Both my guys are monogamous.
You treat your poly gf how she likes to be treated. Just like a mono relationship.
The only etiquette I require from my husbands is be civil when in each other company and mind your own business and focus on the relationship you have with me.
You can take the relationship as far as you and your gf want. Murf is my husband just as much as Butch is. We do all the things other couples do. I just spend my time between two different homes. I own property with both. Vacation with both. Own pets with both. I spend holidays with both.
But I am out as poly to the world. Other married poly people can request their partner to be more discreet than I am. For example Murf is going with me to see my family this weekend not Butch. I refuse to make someone have to be my dirty little secret.
Shaya
New member
Others have answered many of your questions, but your final one was related to relationship escalator or relationship non escalator questions.
Answering these questions involve knowing the long term goals of all 3 parties. Hope this helps.
There are a few blogs of long term poly relationships. RedPepper's blog, KDT26417's blog and Icesong's blog comes to mind.
Hi rob28m,
YouAreHere is a mono in a poly relationship ... and has two blogs: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!") ... and a slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk.
Technically any closed V has two monos and one poly, such as the V I'm in. But I'm not completely closed to the possibility of taking on a second partner, so, you can decide if that counts. I'm sure we have more long-term mono/poly relationships on these boards, look around and inquire.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
YouAreHere is a mono in a poly relationship ... and has two blogs: A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!") ... and a slightly more polished blog with a mono/poly focus: From Baltic to Boardwalk.
Technically any closed V has two monos and one poly, such as the V I'm in. But I'm not completely closed to the possibility of taking on a second partner, so, you can decide if that counts. I'm sure we have more long-term mono/poly relationships on these boards, look around and inquire.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Bluebird
Well-known member
I have a blog - link in my signature. I'm poly, but both my husbands are monogamous so far.
To answer your question, it is up to all of you, how far this thing you have going could go. I have had many partners and boyfriends, and my most serious one became my second husband through a handfasting ceremony we held two years ago. Our lives and finances are fully intertwined, and I live in a house we just bought, with both of my husbands.
To answer your question, it is up to all of you, how far this thing you have going could go. I have had many partners and boyfriends, and my most serious one became my second husband through a handfasting ceremony we held two years ago. Our lives and finances are fully intertwined, and I live in a house we just bought, with both of my husbands.
I'm planning to invite her for a long drive over a long weekend this summer and quite hesitant thinking if it is proper at all since she is married and I wouldn't like the feel of rejection, if ever.
How did the relationship with the mono guy you're dating ended? (I'm just curious so that I could know the pitfalls to avoid)
Have you experienced it or if not, only hypothetically, a scenario in which your bf or newer hubby has a very high sex drive. Will the first hubby be annoyed by it or will it cause instability in your relationship if you will give him more time?
In my case, I really have a high libido and having no other partner, I wished my gf and I will have more time together. I realized that she too is highly sexual as she can keep up with me endlessly the whole night even if I have a very short recovery time in between.
It appears polyamory is following a non-escalator model, especially if all partners are single to begin with. What if I no longer have plans of getting married to other women and wants her to be my lifetime partner, will that upset their (my gf and her hubby's) own escalator (presumably they followed it that's why they married each other)? Or they abandoned it the moment they opened up their marriage?
Or alternatively, since it is already open, can we make our own parallel escalator, minus the legal marriage part? Will that even be possible theoretically? (They dont have kids yet)
Is your significant other, married to another in your V? Do you foresee yourself being in the relationship til old age or do you view the relationship as something that has an end too? What if I'm not interested in getting into another relationship or partner, can I expect my gf to be a life partner or should I need to expand my horizon to avoid heartbreak in the future?
Your blog is awesome but I'm not done with it yet. You mentioned somewhere there that your libido is above average than most women, which appears to be the case of my gf too. From a woman's perspective, if your bf satisfies you sexually more than your husband, will that affect your relationship with your hubby? Do you need to tell your hubby the situation? Will you be more willing to get together more often? Will he get jealous?
Go read Bluebird's blog - she has done the full escalator-minus-the-final-legal-bit with both her husbands.
Re (from rob28m):
My significant other is legally married to my metamour in my V.
Re:
I foresee myself being in the relationship for the rest of my life.
Re:
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, it really depends on the details of you and your girlfriend and her husband, and of the various relationships between the three of you.
My significant other is legally married to my metamour in my V.
Re:
I foresee myself being in the relationship for the rest of my life.
Re:
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question, it really depends on the details of you and your girlfriend and her husband, and of the various relationships between the three of you.
There is no guarantee against heartbreak, no matter if you're monogamous or poly or a swinger, bisexual or asexual or whatever.
Marriages can end in divorce, of course.
I'd say, you look deep within yourself and decide how far up the escalator you'd be satisfied with. Then you ask your gf how far up the escalator she wants to go, or can go. She'd have to consult with her husband. If you feel you really want to live with her, but her husband does not wish to share a home with you, then you have a problem and will have to seek a compromise, if possible. If you want to father a child by her, again, her husband has a say, and there are legal consequences as well.
If your sights are not set as high as that, there are other steps lower. Meeting her friends. Meeting her family. Taking vacations together. Spending birthdays or holidays together. All these are things to be negotiated.
For me? I've been with my partner 8 years, and I've had a couple other rather serious relationships (and several that didn't get into true love territory, but were more FWBish). I don't desire to live with anyone but my gf, but we are both fine with having a partner spend hours in our home. We are both fine with another partner having sex in our bedroom, or any room in the house. We are both content if one of our OSOs spends the night, to let them sleep together in the guest room. We are both fine with walking in on our partner having sex with her OSO in the kitchen or whatever. We are both fine with each other having an overnight or a weekend with an OSO. A longer trip than that could be on the table, but has never come up in reality.
Neither of us wants kids (I've got 3 adult kids and my gf is almost 40, so it's kind of late for her to start).
I am fine with one of my OSOs meeting any of my friends (since all my friends are open-minded, or queer, or kinky, with an understanding of how poly works). Some of my family members have met this or that OSO of mine, some haven't.
Your mileage may vary. There are as many ways to do poly as their are people doing it. The choices are yours, and your OSO's, to make.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Yes, this is possible, but may not suit everyone. The only things I cannot offer Dude are 1.) legal marriage and 2.) exclusivity (as discussed here)
Norwegianpoly
New member
I have dated my boyfriend 4 years and was until recently in a 13 year old relationship with my ex/husband. There was a relationship escelator involved in that I was becoming more intertwined with my boyfriend mixing money, having marriage-ish talks etc.
Sadly, my ex/husband backed out of the relationship. If he does not return, I will continue with my boyfriend only (which was a promise I made him very early on; to not take on another lover since he is monogamous).
The relationships were like a mongamous relationship times two; I related to two sets of inlaws, I created relationships with the friends of both of them, I met the siblings of my partners, tried to be fair about time, money etc.
Sadly, my ex/husband backed out of the relationship. If he does not return, I will continue with my boyfriend only (which was a promise I made him very early on; to not take on another lover since he is monogamous).
The relationships were like a mongamous relationship times two; I related to two sets of inlaws, I created relationships with the friends of both of them, I met the siblings of my partners, tried to be fair about time, money etc.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
Hey, that's me! Heh...
6 years together, me mono, him ("Chops") poly with one other "nesting partner" ("Xena") and one who's approaching that stage, we think ("Curls"). Other folks in his life as well, but not at that "escalator" level.
Neither myself, Chops, Xena, nor Curls are married (anymore).
It depends on the specific relationship, I think. I know that Chops and I, Chops and Xena, and Chops and Curls have our/their own escalator-ish like things (let's call them "moving walkways"). Marriage is not part of the offering. Because Chops, Xena, and Curls were thinking of cohabitating, there were an awful lot of discussions among the three of them to even figure out what that would look like. Chops and Xena already cohabitate, and Xena and Curls are now in a relationship together, so it's not upsetting the apple cart too much to be thinking of these things.
Talk til you puke, I think. Does what you want/expect conflict with what they want/expect? How? In what ways could they be made more compatible (if indeed they can)? These are all discussions to have with your SO.
Again, it depends on the relationship. As a rule, I try to make sure any expectations are talked about and we both concur. At this point, Chops and I expect to be in this relationship until old age, which isn't THAT far away, I suppose...
That said, there's no good way to avoid heartbreak. We don't KNOW that we'll be together long enough to put tennis balls on our walkers. Expectation doesn't always match reality. We hope, though, to enjoy what we have while we have it and if/when it needs to end, that it ends well.