New to being mono/poly

[MockingJay]

Hi everyone. I have to start by saying, this is not a place I thought I would ever be posting, even just a few days ago. But here I am!

I have been in a monogamous relationship with my wife for 10 years. We are in our early thirties and have 3 kids at home, so we did start out quite young. In that time we have always had a strong relationship even through some very hard times and in a sense, we knew that we would be together forever.

There was something that both my wife and I knew was off, or missing for her, but we could never quite put our finger on it. Neither of us knew or thought about the idea of being poly, it was so ingrained in us that it was only acceptable to have one partner. So we both were always faithful, and my wife is the most honest and trustworthy person I've ever met. Still, she had apparently felt a need or desire for further companionship and she didn't know why. This was often the cause of some confusion and fights between us when these feelings would start to surface.

She knew that it would hurt me too much and struggled with her feelings, keeping them hidden and never acting on them for all this time. Recently she came across the idea of polyamory and did some reading that helped explain why she might be feeling this way. I have always been open to letting her hang out with other guys on a platonic level, because I trust her and knew she would tell me if she ever had developed feelings.

The other day, that's exactly what happened. She let me know that she had had a crush on the person she saw the night before. This was before I knew anything about being poly or even knew what it was, so immediately I rejected her and reverted to anger and jealousy. In retrospect I feel bad about how I reacted. She then sent me an article on polyamory and it started to make sense. This is what my wife had been dealing with all these years and suppressing.

So we talked it out all day, and she made it clear that I was the one she wanted to be with for the rest of her life still, but she wanted to explore her feelings for others. I, on the other hand, believe that I am strictly monogamous and would rather put all of my energy into one relationship. So here we have the beginnings of our mono/poly life together.

Only being a few days into this and trying to take it all in, I admit is quite overwhelming. I have a lot of emotions I am trying to figure out and deal with, as I am sure she does also. I am a very jealous person by nature, so I have some work to do. I know we will make things work together like we always do. She has made it clear that if I cannot deal with her having other relationships, she won't have them. But that isn't what I want at all. I want her to be happy and fulfilled, which in turn will do the same for me. I think with the proper reassurance and knowing the benefits of allowing my wife to express herself will make us stronger together, I can do this.

I may need some support and advice along the way for how to deal with some situations. Or maybe a lot of support. But time will tell. For now, me and my wife are on the same page so I think it will work out well. I just hope that I can stay in good spirits and not let bad feelings and jealousy take over when we get further along. This is what has me the most worried at the moment.

Sorry for my long rambling intro, but glad to be here and look forward to learning from everyone.

Regards,

 

[Lea]

I'm glad you're here and joining us!

I'm like your wife, in that all my life I never felt complete, never quite happy, struggled with feelings for other people, thought something was wrong with me.

I can tell you to even bring that up with your husband is gut-wrenching, scary, difficult, and many emotions. That she did so faithfully first, is seriously something you should praise her for. It's HARD. And a lot of people stumble and fall many times first.

Your feelings are normal. Because your life is changing and change is scary. It's good that she's giving you articles and helping you as well!

I 100% highly suggest you both read "More than Two." together. I've found the book to be really eye opening and full of good advice for relationships themselves, not just poly ones.

Anyway, welcome to the forum!

 

[MockingJay]

Lea,

Thanks for your response! It is good to be here and see others have had similar experiences, knowing we are not alone

I completely agree with you, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for my wife having handled things the way she did. I know how hard it must have been for her, but honestly can't think of any better way to have done things. We are at a point in our relationship now that I can feel secure enough to possibly be happy in this situation, where at any other time or under different circumstances I am not so sure I would have been able to.

It is only because I trust so deeply in her and believe that everything she tells me is with complete honesty that it might work. I am a person that shrivels up inside at the slightest hint of deceit or betrayal. We will definitely be walking a fine line.

It has only been a few days and I have already had a couple waves of insecurity flow through me, almost crippling. But I have been able to lift my head up and get through them. I know our relationship is strong and her sharing an emotional connection with another will not change that fact.

Planning on ordering that book today!

Regards,

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings MockingJay,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I have to give you credit for accepting your wife's poly nature. Not everyone would, in this very monogamous world. It was cool to read your story, look forward to your future posts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Al99]

Welcome, MockingJay - I've only been on this forum for a few months but came here for the same reason that you have - my wife, Becky, asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. There is a link in my signature below if you are interested in the whole story.

I very much relate to your story - I was very content with what was basically a sound, happy mono marriage - and had to figure out how to be ok with her being with another man. I made it my goal to stay focused on the reason that I agreed to give it a try - because I loved her and wanted her to be happy. When I was tempted to be jealous - I tried to refocus on that and even visualize her enjoying the NRE generated by her new relationship. This ultimately allowed me to experience some true compersion for her when she went on her first (and subsequent) overnights with her bf.

It really helped me that Becky absolutely guaranteed me that our marriage and family was safe and her new relationship was "in addition to" our relationship - and she would not allow it to disrupt our marriage/family. You are fortunate that your wife has said essentially the same thing to you - it may help to remember this when you are tempted toward jealousy and insecurity.

Best of luck in your new adventure!

Al

 

[Shaya]

Hi MockingJay,

Welcome, and a big applause for you for even considering polyamory. Your wife and you started with monogamous vows, but here you are, willing to share. There are not many men in the world who would be willing to share their wives. Having said this, I don't exactly agree with the way I've phrased the last sentence since it implies that wives are objects that can be shared. If you read my italicised sentence above and cringed a bit, then you are one of few men that women will admire, and if not, it's something we can all work towards.

I agree totally with the suggestion to start reading the book "more than two".

I hear you saying you struggle with jealousy. I struggled with jealousy as well and and have compiled a rough draft of my thoughts on jealousy on this forum, most of the ideas in which came from here.

 

[Loz]

Same Boat

Hi Mockingjay,

I only joined the forum a couple of weeks ago and I am in pretty much the same boat as you. Together for 17 years, married for 8, 3 boys one of whom is 5 months old and this past year my husband has finally expressed the reality of his need for other intimate connections. He was vociferous about not believing in monogamy forever but I guess I never listened carefully enough or just relied on the fact that he hadn't pursued anyone else. Now with research and LOTS of talking I finally understand (as far as my mono mindset can) what he needs and that essentially, our relationship can remain solid and it's like the other relationships occupy a different space for him rather than replacing or impinging on his feelings for me. I feel you when you say you want her to be happy and fulfilled. I feel the same even when it really hurts which it does sometimes, though definitely not all the time. Talking and total openness helps. I get moments of insecurity and I think what's hard for me is the vision of our relationship in social terms - how I see us, or define us. The mechanics of other relationships are not too hard for us to navigate and it is quite exciting and the discussions bring us closer together.

I do recommend the same book as the other members because it helps you develop tools to deal with jealousy - to recognise it and get past its power every time it arises. Sometimes I find the root of the jealousy and it seems so ridiculous that the jealousy dissipates immediately. Sometimes it is harder but talking always helps.

If you love each other and your relationship is strong and honest you can learn to truly give and it is wonderful. It is not easy and sometimes he considers dropping it to save me pain and I have to talk him back in to being himself! Sometimes I wallow in self-pity but most of the time it is exciting and intense and beautifully vulnerable.

I hope you are doing ok. See what's true for your relationship, what works for the inside of your connection that noone else will understand. THe world may not be very helpful for you as a point of reference. That is why this forum is so valuable.

Good luck

 

[MockingJay]

Welcome, MockingJay - I've only been on this forum for a few months but came here for the same reason that you have - my wife, Becky, asked me to open our marriage so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college boyfriend. There is a link in my signature below if you are interested in the whole story.

I very much relate to your story - I was very content with what was basically a sound, happy mono marriage - and had to figure out how to be ok with her being with another man. I made it my goal to stay focused on the reason that I agreed to give it a try - because I loved her and wanted her to be happy. When I was tempted to be jealous - I tried to refocus on that and even visualize her enjoying the NRE generated by her new relationship. This ultimately allowed me to experience some true compersion for her when she went on her first (and subsequent) overnights with her bf.

It really helped me that Becky absolutely guaranteed me that our marriage and family was safe and her new relationship was "in addition to" our relationship - and she would not allow it to disrupt our marriage/family. You are fortunate that your wife has said essentially the same thing to you - it may help to remember this when you are tempted toward jealousy and insecurity.

Best of luck in your new adventure!

Al

Hi Al,

Thank you for sharing your experience and for your encouragement. I agree that the most helpful thing is having that reassurance that our relationship is secure, regardless of who else she brings into her life. Being that we have a life together, a family, and a home, making us primary does make it easier as she also wants that security. I can see it making things more difficult for anyone else she begins a relationship with because there will be some compromising necessary, but we will see how it goes when we get there. This is all so new so it is hard to speculate how certain situations will play out, but I am willing to make compromises as well or even sacrifices if it allows her other relationships to flourish.

Hi MockingJay,

Welcome, and a big applause for you for even considering polyamory. Your wife and you started with monogamous vows, but here you are, willing to share. There are not many men in the world who would be willing to share their wives. Having said this, I don't exactly agree with the way I've phrased the last sentence since it implies that wives are objects that can be shared. If you read my italicised sentence above and cringed a bit, then you are one of few men that women will admire, and if not, it's something we can all work towards.

I agree totally with the suggestion to start reading the book "more than two".

I hear you saying you struggle with jealousy. I struggled with jealousy as well and and have compiled a rough draft of my thoughts on jealousy on this forum, most of the ideas in which came from here.
03-17-2017 10:36 PM

Shaya,

Thank you for your kind welcome. I read your posts on jealousy and found them very thought-provoking. It has by far been the most interesting part of my experience so far, since jealousy is not something I have had to deal with previously in my marriage. It is an emotion that we tend to completely avoid in a monogamous lifestyle, but in the last week I have been forced to confront it head first and try to understand it. I've learned so much about myself and my wife through this that I truly feel closer to her than ever before.

I also do not agree with the terminology of "sharing". But I understand where you are coming from. To share is to give away a part of something to someone else. However, love is not shared in polyamory, it is infinite and therefore nothing is actually being taken away from me.

Hi Mockingjay,

I only joined the forum a couple of weeks ago and I am in pretty much the same boat as you. Together for 17 years, married for 8, 3 boys one of whom is 5 months old and this past year my husband has finally expressed the reality of his need for other intimate connections. He was vociferous about not believing in monogamy forever but I guess I never listened carefully enough or just relied on the fact that he hadn't pursued anyone else. Now with research and LOTS of talking I finally understand (as far as my mono mindset can) what he needs and that essentially, our relationship can remain solid and it's like the other relationships occupy a different space for him rather than replacing or impinging on his feelings for me. I feel you when you say you want her to be happy and fulfilled. I feel the same even when it really hurts which it does sometimes, though definitely not all the time. Talking and total openness helps. I get moments of insecurity and I think what's hard for me is the vision of our relationship in social terms - how I see us, or define us. The mechanics of other relationships are not too hard for us to navigate and it is quite exciting and the discussions bring us closer together.

I do recommend the same book as the other members because it helps you develop tools to deal with jealousy - to recognise it and get past its power every time it arises. Sometimes I find the root of the jealousy and it seems so ridiculous that the jealousy dissipates immediately. Sometimes it is harder but talking always helps.

If you love each other and your relationship is strong and honest you can learn to truly give and it is wonderful. It is not easy and sometimes he considers dropping it to save me pain and I have to talk him back in to being himself! Sometimes I wallow in self-pity but most of the time it is exciting and intense and beautifully vulnerable.

I hope you are doing ok. See what's true for your relationship, what works for the inside of your connection that noone else will understand. THe world may not be very helpful for you as a point of reference. That is why this forum is so valuable.

Good luck

Hi Loz,

Thank you for your response and for sharing. This forum has been a life saver, it is amazing to hear from so many people going through similar situations and learning how they've dealt with them. Without this I would feel much more alone going through all of this.

Almost everything you've described going through with your husband, we have been experiencing also. So far I think we are doing really well, we have had many deep conversations about each others feelings and emotions, even those that my wife has for another person. We have definitely had our ups and downs. But nearly all of my feelings of jealousy have dissipated, and instead now I simply want to help her with all of what she is going through while also making our relationship the best it can possibly be.

Any insecurities I have felt lately are recurring ones, and I just have to remind myself why they are invalid and I start feeling better instantly. I'm sure there will still be plenty of work to do. For now I am almost in disbelief that all of this happening has actually made my marriage stronger and I feel more secure than I did before, most of the time. I think deep down I knew that she did not see herself being happy with one person forever, but was forcing herself to because she did not want to lose me. Having it all out in the open is very liberating, and now we can openly discuss everything so I have nothing to fear.