Struggling with size

Hello everyone! My wife and I have been exploring poly relationships for a short time now and have a current couple who we share with, but I have hit a personal boundary of feelings that I am struggling to overcome. My wife has recently made a connection with a man who she really likes, and they have met for drinks, chatted and kissed.

There is just one major hangup I just can't shake. He is ridiculously well endowed (8.5" and thick) and it has been killing me. I am by no means a small man (6") and we have some groundbreakingly amazing sex, but he is so far and above what I have that I feel emasculated by the thought of her being with him. I have even faced troubles lately being sexually engaged when we are together and I am getting feelings of jealousy and do not want to know or hear about him at all.

There are other factors as well, being that this will be the first independent partner for her and I will not be involved in their time together, at least at first. I know that it is childish to think this way, and her happiness is the most important thing to me overall, but I just can't swallow the lump in my throat every time I think of her with him.

To be clear, we have both been with other partners and I have been turned on watching her with another man. I love seeing her pleased. I want for her to have this independent time with him and to feel wanted by someone else, I just feel so broken down inside about it that I have not really even been able to eat since I found out about it all.

Tonight is the night that she will be going over to his house to hang out and watch a movie, and knowing her appetite for sexual pleasure I have no doubt that they will be together sexually. I am happy for her, but I am quietly dying inside thinking about it.

How do I continue to give her the freedom of the life we have chosen without getting myself hurt in the process? Why can't I shake the feeling that once she is with him I will be inadequate? Am I allowed to have say over who she chooses to be with, or is this me being selfish?

The other part that makes it difficult is that she gets far more attention than I do from the opposite sex and I find it very difficult to find partners independently.

I feel so conflicted with all of this that I can't even concentrate on my work today without the thought creeping into my head and my stomach churning. I hate this. I just wish I had a male poly counterpart who has had some experience with these feelings to talk to, as I am sure that I am not the first person to struggle with this.

gravitywell42 said:

I am happy for her, but I am quietly dying inside thinking about it.

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How quietly?

One thing about insecurities, if they are allowed to go unexpressed and roll around in our creative brains - they can multiply. I encourage you to have a conversation with your partner about your insecurities if you have not already.

gravitywell42 said:

Am I allowed to have say over who she chooses to be with, or is this me being selfish?

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I think it's absolutely selfish, yes. I caution you against setting up rules for your partners behavior to save you from having to deal with your own insecurities.

However, you're entitled to put any rules on your wife that she will allow.

gravitywell42 said:

The other part that makes it difficult is that she gets far more attention than I do from the opposite sex and I find it very difficult to find partners independently.

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Yeah, it is common that one partner will have more success in getting potential partners than the other. It depends on gender, the make-up of your local community, etc.

The negative feelings about it are related to unrealistic expectations. You expect that you are entitled to have the kind of success that she is, but that's simply not reality. Work to adjust your expectations to be more in line with reality - you are a different person in a different situation, of course your results will vary.

gravitywell42 said:

There is just one major hangup I just can't shake. He is ridiculously well endowed (8.5" and thick) and it has been killing me. I am by no means a small man (6") and we have some groundbreakingly amazing sex, but he is so far and above what I have that I feel emasculated by the thought of her being with him.

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Oh yeah, the dick thing.

Every lover is different. Your wife will get certain types of enjoyment from one person more-so than another. This is mainly due to emotional connection and what "type" of lover the other is. There can also be differences based on body size and shape, penis size and shape, tongue length and flexibility.

Lovers are different. If comparing yourself to another lover is bringing you anxiety, this is related to insecurity and should be dealt with just like any other insecurity. Have a conversation (without blame or expectation of action) with your partner, get some exercise, watch your internal monologue, get some therapy, etc.

Thank you for your timely response!

Her and I have discussed it thoroughly and I seem to go back and forth as to how comfortable I am with it. There is a part of me that really wants her to enjoy herself, and there is an evil little voice inside of me who is telling me she secretly wants more than I can offer because she wants him so bad. She sees it in my eyes when I tell her I am ok with it that I have my hangups, but everywhere I read it is natural to have these hangups.

Also, when we talk about it she seems to want to just call the whole poly arrangement off for the sake of my feelings which is not what I want to do.

I think the core of my feelings stems from an experience long ago where my fiance cheated on me with someone who was notably well endowed while I was away at basic training and I have been harboring negative feelings toward men who are similar.

I really want to be ok with it because ultimately it is about her pleasure from the time with him, but it is so hard to push this negativity down. She is also frustrated with the fact that she can be so turned on with the thought of me with my current GF, but I can't seem to get the same feeling thinking about her with him.

My logical thoughts say she loves me and none of that will change and my emotional response is that she wants more than I can offer. it is ridiculous.

I guess I just want some justification for my feelings, that this is in fact natural for me to feel threatened at first. I am fully encouraging her to go through with it mainly for the sake of taking a mountain of speculation and turning it into a real world experience that I can then base my judgement of the situation.

gravitywell42 said:

She sees it in my eyes when I tell her I am ok with it that I have my hangups, but everywhere I read it is natural to have these hangups.

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For sure. There's nothing odd or original about what you are feeling. My presumption is that you come from a monogamous background (most of us did) and there are some muscles that have never been used that are getting a serious workout.

In a traditional relationship we are rarely, if ever, prompted to feel gratitude for our partners success instead of jealousy. Usually... we just feel jealousy. However, in a non-monogamous association (I don't know if you're poly or swingers or what) this atrophied muscle needs to be used immediately and frequently.

What I *can* tell you is that this muscle can get stronger and more efficient with use. Feeling that insecure pang of jealousy is a foreign thing to me these days.

gravitywell42 said:

I think the core of my feelings stems from an experience long ago where my fiance cheated on me with someone who was notably well endowed while I was away at basic training and I have been harboring negative feelings toward men who are similar.

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PTSD, post traumatic size of dick syndrome

I think it's perspective. Every man and woman is different, and having the opportunity to experience that is a great gift. It doesn't make the experience with someone else better overall, but perhaps just different in one way that's fun.

Do you think she's so enthralled with a large penis that she'd leave you for him? That's not likely, and I'm sure she loves you - not just for the size of your equipment.

My wife has a lover who is extraordinarily well endowed. He's fun now and then for her, but he lacks other, essential personality traits and bedroom skills, so I have nothing to worry about for our relationship. Not that she'd leave me even if he had those traits. And she has nothing to worry about just because I have a much younger lover - I would never want to trade (I want them both!).

gravitywell42 said:

I guess I just want some justification for my feelings, that this is in fact natural for me to feel threatened at first. I am fully encouraging her to go through with it mainly for the sake of taking a mountain of speculation and turning it into a real world experience that I can then base my judgement of the situation.

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I'm not a guy, but I've had sex with a lot of them. 2"-10" cocks. 3 or 4 of the men also had occasional or full erectile dysfunction due to age or medical reasons or medications.

Try to relax. Your emotions are "normal." All feelings are valid, anything you feel is normal (unless you're psychotic and hallucinating).

What about women and their endowments? Women can feel inadequate because of breast size or shape, ass size or shape, legs, hair, facial features, on and on. We've all had those fears. Therefore I think I can relate.

Some men prefer their women large, "thick." Some men like a tiny petite woman. Some love black women, some love gingers. Most men, I think love anything that has a hint of tits and a working clit and vagina and some enthusiasm for sex. lol

Many women go more by attitudes and personality than endowments in their man's lap.

As far as actual pleasure though... I happen to be well endowed in the vagina. More than one gyn dr has told me it's extra deep. The lover I had with a 10" cock was able to enter me to the hilt. However, this didn't make him an extra good lover. In fact, he bored me to death. He was great looking too, tall, beautiful smile, perfectly muscled, well groomed, well dressed (before we got naked). Our first date was for drinks. We had a lovely conversation. He was intelligent, well mannered, good sense of humor. So I decided to have sex with him on the 2nd date.

But, it was... not great. He spent 2 minutes on foreplay. Didn't kiss me, didn't handle my breasts or suck my nipples, barely fingered me. He just dove right in missionary style, and sawed away. He also had incredible stamina and was multi orgasmic... but I was bored. Can you believe it!? I barely came. I was glad when he got a phone call and had to leave for a work emergency. He also ended up not being a good prospect for poly, since he had issues at work, issues with his wife, issues with his teen son. He was a mess, basically. We didn't continue to date.

On the other hand, I had much more sexual pleasure from a former lover with a 5" penis, who was enthusiastic and skilled at all aspects of foreplay, as well as some kink practices I love. He was also much more emotionally available and had more free time for me. We also shared outside interests such as music and dance, thrift store shopping, discussing politics (both radical liberals) and gardening.

At 6," you're .5" above average. If you don't want to hear anymore about your wife's new guy, his dick, what they do in bed, tell her so. Don't lie and hide your feelings, leaving her to guess at your feelings by trying to read your mind through your eyes.

I understand you're coming from a sort of swinger attitude where you've done group sex, or voyeurism, and get turned on by each others' escapades. This "size" insecurity is putting a hitch in that habit. Maybe let up on TMI sharing about this guy until you're all more comfortable together, and reassured?

Ditto what Magdlyn said about skill, common interests, and emotional/intellectual connection being much more important than size. I'd also add that too large can sometimes be an issue, too. My ex was 9". Certain positions were uncomfortable...at times almost painful.

How do you know how big his dick is? If it's because your wife told you, why did she do that?

gravitywell42 said:

She is also frustrated with the fact that sjhe can be so turned on with the thought of me with my current GF, but I can't seem to get the same feeling thinking about her with him.

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You're not required to be turned on by a relationship you're not involved in. Tell your wife to let it go.

Emm said:

How do you know how big his dick is? If it's because your wife told you, why did she do that?

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His wife told him. And his former lover also cheated on him with a guy with a larger penis. Apparently she also told him the size of her other lover!

You're not required to be turned on by a relationship you're not involved in. Tell your wife to let it go.

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It seems like our new member is fairly new to independent dating and has only had group sex with his wife before. So, he's used to being involved, seeing her have sex, not even just being told about it after the fact.

Funny that he already knows new guy's dick is "8.5 and thick" and she hasn't even had sex with him yet. Tonight is the first sex date night? Unless maybe they've made out and she's seen it already, without having had intercourse...

At any rate, it's early on. I trust things will smooth out for gravity once he gets used to independent dating.

Or, if he has trouble finding a partner, maybe new guy and his wife will be interested in MMF sex with him and everyone can be friends, no matter the size of this or that body part.

Thank you all for your perspective, this helps so very much! I will do my best to communicate with her about my feelings and be open about what I feel comfortable with. Ultimately I just want her to have a great time and to not worry about me, however I do not need to spend the night dwelling on it either.

I am going to keep myself occupied with something fun to keep my mind off of the details, and try to exercise that muscle as best I can!

Thank you again!

Dear Gravitywell,

I'd like to chime in that your feelings are entirely normal. Although they may be embarrasing to share with your wife (or maybe not), I think letting her understand why you are behaving a bit oddly these days will go a long way towards her trying to make you more comfortable.

As Magdlyn said, women can be insecure about a great many physical features, including age. For many men, cock size seems to be a thing. I think you show great self awareness when you brought up your past experience and possible PTSD as another contributing factor. I think you also show self awareness with the following quote:

gravitywell42 said:

My logical thoughts say she loves me and none of that will change and my emotional response is that she wants more than I can offer. it is ridiculous.

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I've recently been interested on how our emotions of the moment can affect our logic and was hoping for my own selfish reasons if you would care to make a comment on it on my thread.

I'll post another entry below on the topic of penis sizes and a common misconception due to the media's inability to either understand or publish real science. To really understand what the average length of a penis is, go to the original scientific study - don't trust the media's interpretation of the study. More on this below.

I completely agree with Marcus and Magdlyn in particular and others in general.

And as another lady who has had a significant number of male lovers, bigger is SO, SO NOT always better. In fact my life experience has taught me that I will have a lot more fun with a man whose penis is average in size, than a bigger one. There are more positions and activities that will be comfortable, not painful, enjoyable. But if the man's willy is the star of the show, he's already nowhere in the running for the best lover I've had.

Let me tell you something I have said in description to some of my male partners. On a scale of 1-10, this one man I used to have sex with, was 100. My current lover, Zen? Trying to talk about him on a scale of 1-10, is rather like trying to ask how many cups of water are in the ocean. He really is that good.

And he is nearing 60 years old, and his equipment is neither huge, nor does it always do what he wants it to. IT DOESN'T MATTER. And in fact, I've argued that it might be a significant reason why he is so good, because the men I've been with who have big dicks, pretty much rely on that fact to carry their weight in bed. As Magdlyn said, they figure, "Of course she's loving it. I have huge wang, chicks love that right?" Nope, sorry, you have to try harder than that. That kind of sex is boring.

So what makes Zen so great? Well first of all, he takes legitimate joy in every part of me. He wants to play with it all. He is uninhibited. Playful. Fun. He doesn't take himself too seriously. And he is really, really really good with his hands and his mouth. He went with me to a class on various ways to stimulate the vagina (yes, I mean the inside parts, not the whole thing, I'm being correct with the term here)...he learned about the anatomy, and he pays attention to what works with me specifically. Also, it can't hurt that he is very emotionally available, connected, and quite intuitive and empathetic.

The biggest sex organ is the BRAIN.

That said, while there are sound reasons for you to not have to feel this way, comparing sizes like this...it is also perfectly natural, and completely understandable for you to feel a troublesome emotion, especially as triggered by past experience, even if you know better. To that, I point at Marcus' responses to you, which were on point. You should let your partner know how you feel, and you can let her know that you would prefer not to hear the details, if you think that would help. Tell her that you appreciate her concern for you, and may need some supportive and reassuring loving behavior from her as time goes by, if that's cool...but that you would rather she did not stop trying to do poly or whatever, just to protect you from your own feelings.

Try to see this as an opportunity for growth, I would suggest, if you can.

There's a subtlety to measuring penis sizes I thought you might be interested in.

This is the study to which most of modern studies refer to when quoting the average size of the human penis. It's a meta analysis (meaning they looked at lots of other studies of penis sizes and added up all the data to get the stretched penile length) of 14160 men.

All studies of penile sizes in men seem to exclude anyone who thinks they have a small penis (and excludes those who have had surgery, or those born with penile abnormalities like chordee, penile torsion, hydrospadius and so on) and some exclude erectile dysfunction as well. However studies do not exclude anyone who thinks they have a large penis. I think this skews all such studies' results towards a larger penis size.

In summary, the average penile length of males who do not think they have a small penis is 13.2cm. This is the (incorrect) average 5.5" penile size quoted by google and the media. If you were to study all males, I suspect the length would be much shorter. Bottom line is that most males feel inadequate because most males would fall short of the google-defined normal length of 13.2cm. Feel free to draw comparisons to how most women feel inadequate in their beauty due to society's advertisements of young 20-year olds who have been photoshopped.

Why are men obsessed with their dick size?
Why do women worry about being "unattractive?"
If I could wave a magic wand over each gender, I'd zap away these particular concerns and there would be instant peace on earth.

To be clear: Dick size does not matter. I have met exactly ONE woman in my entire life who says that she likes big dicks specifically. For 99.9% of women, it's the man she wants, not the dick in particular. I have met only one woman in all my years who gives even one thought to dick size, yet men continue to obsess about this, worry about this, compare, etc. Why?????

Hi gravitywell42,

I think it's normal to have the kind of struggles you're having. There are of course things you can do to help, as described in various posts in this thread. But to a large extent, you may have to just endure the anxious/insecure feelings. As GalaGirl says, feelings are like weather, they come and go. You seem to have the right ideas in your mind, just hang onto that and let the feelings fade in due time.

And keep us posted, on how things are going for you. This way we can give updated input and advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

FallenAngelina said:

Why are men obsessed with their dick size?
Why do women worry about being "unattractive?"
If I could wave a magic wand over each gender, I'd zap away these particular concerns and there would be instant peace on earth.

To be clear: Dick size does not matter. I have met exactly ONE woman in my entire life who says that she likes big dicks specifically. For 99.9% of women, it's the man she wants, not the dick in particular. I have met only one woman in all my years who gives even one thought to dick size, yet men continue to obsess about this, worry about this, compare, etc. Why?????

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I actually do prefer a larger size. The 5" guy I mentioned was good in bed, foreplay and kink-wise, but actual fucking, for me, feels better with a man who is 7" and up. Of course, he has to have foreplay skills and be at least somewhat kinky as well. He also has to be respectful, intelligent, etc.

I think it's because I am a plus size woman, so there is more flesh to get through before a penis is really in me. Also, as I said upthread, I have an extra deep vagina, so I need a longer sword for the sheath to really fill me up.

The best sex I've had with a man in recent years was about 8" and really great at spanking me, ordering me around firmly, and fingering too. He was also romantic and loved to cuddle after sex. Domly but not obnoxious... Mmm... I hate to say it, but I am something of a size queen. But it's not the only thing that matters!

Different women, different preferences.

From an anatomical standpoint the innervation of the distal (outer) one thirds the vagina is different from the proximal (inner) two thirds of the vagina. The outer/external portions feel things like light vs. hard touch, temperature, more discriminating sensations - while the inner portion only responds to pressure and "stretch". (This has to do with how women survive the pain of childbirth).

Different women may be turned on by different sensations. A person who is more sensitive to a certain type of stimulation - for instance "deep penetration" - may appreciate positions that make their vagina functionally "shorter" - by bringing the cervix and uterus closer to the introitus. Another may be more stimulated by external (clitoral) stimulation and prefer positions that "tug" at the labia. Others may enjoy a "stretch" sensation - that can be achieved by augmenting the girth of a male partner's endowments with a few fingers.

Just sayin'

Magdlyn said:

Mmm... I hate to say it, but I am something of a size queen. But it's not the only thing that matters!

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So now I have met two!!

I would so love to be able to spare men the agony of worry over penis size, but it's the rare man who really can take in the message that it just doesn't matter to most women and that we are whole-person sexual. In fact, many women (in my experience) say that "too big" can be a real problem. How this myth got started that bigger is better, I'll never know, but most men seem to believe it. The truth is that "average" is wonderful for most women. It's the whole man we respond to, not the penis. I have never in my life heard a woman say that she preferred one guy over another because of penis size. For women, many factors go into choosing lovers and penis size isn't even one of them for most women.

Just as I would love to sprinkle fairy dust over every woman and alleviate her the torment of concern over being attractive, so I would love to do the same for men and their hand wringing about penis size. The world would be a Garden of Eden.